May
26

Friendship

What would we do without our friends?  They’re the ones we need, especially when we’re facing challenges – such as those of parenting or trying to manage a household, a marriage, perhaps a job.  A friend of mine recently hosted a dinner party dedicated to friendship; it was a lovely evening, and reminded each of us of the tremendous importance of friendship, and of recognizing the significant friends in each of our lives.  

 

How do you create more friendships in your life, or make time for the friends you have now?  Ask yourself a few questions:

  • What kind of friend time would give you the most satisfaction?  Think about what you most want, whether visiting with one friend, a group of friends, or getting together with other couples or families.  Your time is limited, so spend it on what you most enjoy.
  • Who are the people that make you feel happy and renewed?  Make the effort to keep in touch with them, no matter what else you have going on.  Maybe hosting a dinner party isn’t a good option for you right now, but you can always talk by phone or online, host an informal get-together or meet somewhere.
  • What about the kids?  Can you have quality time with friends if your kids are there?  This depends a lot on the temperament and ages of your children.  If you need a few non-kid moments, invite a friend over during naptime, or plan a night out when your spouse can watch the kids.
  • Are you waiting for someone else to call you?  Don’t.  Instead, you be the one to take the initiative.  Pick up the phone or extend an invitation, and get something on the calendar.
  • Do you need to connect with other moms?  This isn’t hard; moms groups (just Google your city and “Moms group”), MOPS groups, and Meetup groups for moms (and their kids) are abundant and easy to find, and you’re sure to find some new potential friends.
  • Don’t forget the friends from your days before motherhood.  These friends can reconnect you to a different part of your identity, and can help you get out of “Mommy mode” for a little while.  Sometimes the dynamic changes when you have a child and a friend doesn’t, but focus on what you still have in common and try not to talk too much about your children.

 

Through playgroups, preschool and park dates you may encounter lots of potential new friends, but finding the time to connect on a deeper level can be difficult, and reaching out to someone new can be scary.  Here’s the thing – the moms around you are probably in the same boat, and would probably love the opportunity to make a new friend.  Be brave and make the first move.

 

Your assignment:  Think about the friendships in your life, and how you could make a little more time for your friends… or for finding some new ones.  Build in some friend time this week.  Good luck!

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May
18

Role Models

You and your spouse, of course, are the primary role models for your children, as we looked at last week.  However, as kids approach school-age they become more influenced by media and popular culture, and this may lead to interest in role models (celebrities, athletes, etc.) who may or may not be setting such a great example.  What’s a mom to do?

 

  • DO be aware of who your child looks up to.  If there are particular actors, sports figures or singers he likes, does your child want to emulate their talent?  If so, use this desire as an opportunity for him to try out acting, singing, baseball or whatever the admired skill may be.
  • DO try to find out what your child knows about particular role models.  If your child takes an interest in a celebrity as a person, there may be more need for conversation.
  • DON’T ridicule or make judgmental comments about an admired celebrity; your child will respond by shutting you out.  Instead, ask your child what she thinks about the star.  Her opinion may be more grounded than you expect.  If not, however,
  • DON’T make a big deal about it.  Instead, explain in a neutral way that celebrities have a very different life from yours, and their choices and lifestyle aren’t the same as most people’s.  The fact that a beloved star dresses in certain designer clothes or eats crazy food doesn’t mean that you’re going to allow your child to do the same thing, of course.
  • DO find whatever you can to agree with (“Shaun White certainly is good at snowboarding,” perhaps, or “Miley Cyrus does have a nice voice,” or whatever you can say honestly).  If your child feels like you and he have some areas of agreement on the star, he may be more likely to listen to your opinions about areas where you differ.
  • DON’T try too hard to discourage interest in a particular role model.  Do you remember what it was like to be young and absolutely crazy about a certain performer?  Often the more a parent objects, the more fuel this gives to the child’s interest.

 

Remember to be proactive, and try to expose children to as many positive role models as you can.  Whether famous or not, everyone from authors to astronauts, teachers to cancer survivors to those who take a stand for what they believe in can be wonderful role models.  Talk to your kids about the people you look up to and why, putting your emphasis on values and qualities you especially admire.  After all, you’re still the most important role model of all.

 

Your assignment:  If your children are old enough to have famous role models, or celebrities they especially like, spend a little time this week considering the messages, positive or negative, that your kids get from these people.  Have a conversation if you feel concerned, and also talk to your kids about your own role models.

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May
12

Do as I say (not as I do)!

Moms are nothing if not teachers.  It’s one of the basics of the job; every time you speak, you teach a lesson, instruct, share knowledge.  Unfortunately, your actions tend to say even more than your words.

 

You probably have a long list of qualities you try to teach your children, regarding their manners, behaviors, eating, bathing and cleaning habits, among other things.  Here’s the important question:  how well do your own behaviors reflect the lessons you’re trying to instill?  

 

It isn’t uncommon to hold your children to a higher standard than you’re willing to adopt for yourself, even though this really isn’t fair.  Granted, you’re the mom, which gives you a certain amount of leeway.  At the same time, it can be confusing to a child when your words and actions don’t match.

 

Here are a few common examples to consider:

  • Yelling – moms generally don’t tolerate a lot of yelling from children, at least indoors.  You encourage one sibling not to yell at the other and you ask a child to come to the room where you are rather than yelling at you from across the house.  Do you manage not to yell either?  Many moms find that keeping their temper, remaining calm 24/7, is extremely hard; most do, at least occasionally, resort to yelling.
  • Cleaning – is your bed made right now?  Are your pj’s put away?  Do you clear your dishes after each meal?  If you want your children to make these basic tasks a habit, you have to set the example.  Kids will pick up much of what you habitually do, accepting your actions as “how things are done,” whether good or bad.
  • Manners – how well do you do at remembering please and thank you?  Be sure to let your children hear you using good manners at every opportunity; few traits are as important as manners in determining how others respond to your kids.
  • Eating – this is an especially hard area to address if you or your husband is a picky eater, but encourage your children to try at least one bite of every food on their plate, and don’t let them see parents avoiding undesired dishes.  Try to expand your own palate a little, if it means that the whole family can eat healthier food.
  • General behavior – if you tell your child to talk nicely about other people but then gossip on the phone about all the other moms who are driving you crazy, your child will pick up your habit and ignore your requests to the contrary.  As kids get older, this also tends to hold true for the type of language you use, whether you smoke, whether you spend time volunteering for causes you believe in.  Whatever example you set, good or bad, will override words you speak to the contrary.

 

A good litmus test for actions is the “video camera test” – if someone were to follow you around all day with a recorder, would you be pleased by the actions captured on tape?  Your children are a lot like that camera, and are likely to play back for you exactly what they’ve seen.

 

Your assignment:  Think about your own actions in areas you frequently address with your children.  As much as possible, try to model the behavior you expect from them; lead by example, so they see you doing whatever you’re asking them to do.  Good luck!

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May
05

Make it a great Mother’s Day!

Mother’s Day is right around the corner.  Whether you favor lots of festivities or a quiet day, what can you do to make your celebration special?

 

Perhaps leaving all the planning to your husband and/or kids works perfectly.  However, for many moms, doing just a little legwork can make the day even better.  Here are some options:

 

  • Give yourself a day off.  Some might consider this a no-brainer, but it’s not always so easy, especially if you’re the one responsible for most of the household chores.  Give yourself a deadline of Saturday afternoon to do whatever tasks have to be done before Monday, even if it means a couple extra loads of laundry or cooking ahead.  Don’t spend one moment of Mother’s Day doing chores.
  • Make a memory.  Do something to commemorate this year as a mom.  Dress everyone in coordinating outfits and take a picture with your children, make handprints together, write down your favorite thing about this point in your children’s lives, or about your experience as a mother right now.  Any of these will help this Mother’s Day stand out for you down the road, and might begin a nice tradition.
  • Do you have a creatively challenged husband?  Team up with a friend.  You help her little ones make special cards for her, she takes your kids and does the same.  Everyone gets nice little surprises, everyone has fun.
  • Don’t expect your family to read your mind.  If you want to go out to a fancy brunch or dinner (if reservations are still available), let your wishes be known.  Ditto if you want a completely low-key day hanging out at home, taking a long bath or sitting down to finally watch a show you recorded two months ago.
  • Do what you can to be extra nice to yourself this week.  Pick a mascot for yourself – Wonder Woman? Wilma Flintstone? June Cleaver? – and tape her picture to your mirror to make you smile each time you see it.  Treat yourself to your favorite latte.  Tell yourself every morning that you’re a fabulous mom…and believe it.

 

Mother’s Day is your day, a time to feel good about your accomplishments, enjoy a little R&R (Rest & Relaxation, Rock & Roll, you pick), and take pride in knowing that you have the most important job in the world.  Happy Mother’s Day!

 

Your assignment:  Think about what would make this Mother’s Day particularly special for you; give yourself some extra time off, make time for a favorite family activity or look for ways to be especially nice to yourself.  Whatever you come up with, make your wishes known and have a wonderful day!

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Apr
28

Summer’s coming – don’t weight!

Despite this week’s weather, summer really is just around the corner.  Many moms lament not having their pre-child bodies, but instead of feeling bad about not looking like you used to, do what you can to feel good about how you look now.

 

If you’d like to get in better shape and/or take off a few pounds before getting into a bathing suit, this is the time to take action.  Everyone knows that diet and exercise are the keys to weight loss, but you’ll give yourself the best odds of success if you eschew drastic changes in lieu of one or two small sustainable changes at a time.  If you take a “baby steps” approach, you’re much more likely to stick with it.  Even if your weight is fine, better health and fitness is always a good goal.

 

Here are some specific actions you could try:

Exercise: 

  • Add one workout per week to your schedule
  • Increase each workout you now do by 5-10 minutes
  • Treat yourself to a few sessions with a personal trainer
  • Try a new class, either at the gym or with an outside group (Stroller Strides, Baby Boot Camp, etc.), to make your routine more interesting
  • Join a Meetup group that promotes fitness; in the Sacramento area, options include a group for hiking with children and a family Zumba group, among others
  • Put your child in a stroller and take a power walk for a few minutes each day, even for a short distance

 

Diet:

  • Cut out as much sugar and processed food from your diet as you can; this may be difficult, but any steps in this direction will be beneficial
  • Keep lots of fresh fruit on hand, and replace between-meal snacks with fruit
  • Drink a glass of water whenever you think about it; sometimes thirst masks as hunger, so keeping hydrated can actually make you feel less hungry
  • Write down every single thing you eat for a few days; this will make you more aware of what you eat, and probably help you make better choices too, especially if you do this with a friend and agree to show your lists to each other
  • Eat throughout the day; this keeps you from getting too hungry, keeps your energy level on an even keel, and is better for your metabolism
  • To read an informative article with more good dietary tips, click here

 

Lifestyle:

  • Try to limit fast food; keep enough food at home to throw together quick meals when you need to
  • When you’re eating, eat; when you multitask and watch TV or otherwise distract yourself, you tend to eat more without realizing it
  • Get enough sleep; when you’re tired, you may feel hungry because your body needs more energy.  If you have a baby, ample sleep may not be possible, but nap when you can and try not to get overly exhausted
  • If better fitness is your aim, set a longer-range goal to keep you motivated; commit to a marathon or half-marathon, a strenuous hike (Half Dome, Mt. Lassen, Mt. Shasta), a 25- or 50-mile bike ride, or anything that will give you a reason to get in better shape
  • For an article listing food comparisons, more lifestyle issues and lots of weight-loss resources, click here.

 

If you can drop two pounds a week you’ll have shed ten pounds by Memorial Day, which for most women is a full clothing size.  Good luck!

 

Your assignment:  Commit to one positive change relating to your diet, exercise routine or lifestyle.  Even if weight loss isn’t an issue for you, think about a change that would make you (and your family) more healthy.  This is one area where there’s almost always a little room for improvement.

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Apr
21

Spreading the guilt

This week’s title, had space allowed, would have been “Guilt as a weapon of mass instruction,” because moms do tend to use liberal amounts of guilt as a way to get things done.

 

Last week, addressing your own feelings of guilt, you distinguished between guilt that warranted action and unnecessary guilt.  Because most people already carry around too much guilt, figuring out how not to spread any more of it is beneficial for everyone.

 

How often do you catch yourself saying something to your husband or kids that carries an undertone of guilt?  You make the other person feel bad for not doing something that, according to you, should be done, or for doing something wrong.

 

There’s a better way!  Focus more on the outcome you want, and direct your efforts toward achieving that result rather than on creating guilt.  Here are some common scenarios that you might address using guilt, along with healthier options to try. 

 

Situation:  Your child hasn’t picked up his clothes, toys or blocks off the floor.

Guilt-inducing comment:  “Your room is a pig sty!  I’d feel awful if my room looked like that!”

Better options:  Depending on the child’s age, tell him what needs to get done, offer to help, or clarify your rules (“Before you watch Sesame Street, your floor has to be picked up.”)

Remember:  The real goal is to motivate your child and to get the room picked up, not to have him feel bad about the room being a mess.

 

Situation:  Your husband is consistently working later than you’d like, and you feel like you need more help.

Guilt-inducing comment:  “You’re always coming home late, and I have to do everything myself.  Why can’t you make more of an effort to be here and help?”

Better option:  Explain your situation and ask for exactly what you need (“I have trouble making dinner with the toddler hanging on me; is there a way you could be home by 5:30 so I could have dinner ready by 6?”)

Remember:  Without a specific request for action, your husband may just think you’re complaining.  By telling him what you need, you’re giving him a way to fix the problem, or to start looking at options.  You can’t expect him to read your mind, and if you make him feel bad he may make less of an effort to be home rather than more.

 

Situation:  Your child wants you to find the missing toy that’s in one of twenty possible places; you don’t want to deal with it.

Guilt-inducing response:  You sigh, make a face and roll your eyes, making it clear that you’re feeling put-upon and highly inconvenienced, then grudgingly go search for the toy. 

Better option:  Be honest.  Tell her that you’re too tired, or that you don’t have time right now, but that you’ll help her look for the toy after her nap (or whenever).

Remember:  It’s ok to say no to a request, but it’s not ok to make your child feel bad about asking in the first place.  You want her to feel comfortable coming to you with concerns, and you want to model the behavior you expect from her – which probably doesn’t include sighing and eye-rolling!

 

Guilt isn’t always a bad thing.  If your child hits the dog, he should feel guilty, and this guilt may serve as a deterrent for the next time.   But save the guilt for times like these, and try not to use it otherwise.  Most of us resent the person who makes us feel guilty; don’t be that person! 

 

Your assignment:  Think about ways in which you may be using guilt to get the people around you to do what you want them to.  Focus more on the desired outcome, share your feelings, ask for what you want and/or clarify what you don’t want.

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Apr
14

Oh, the GUILT!

 

 

Guilt seems to be a staple in the lives of many moms – both their own guilt and the guilt they may place (intentionally or otherwise) on others.  Even when it “works,” no one is better off.  A job might get done, or an obligation met, but not for the right reasons.

 

This week, let’s take a closer look at what makes you feel guilty (we’ll look at the people around you next week).  Many moms are subject to bouts of “Mommy Guilt,” usually stemming from one of two things.  The first is the feeling that you’re never doing / being / accomplishing quite enough.  It’s hard to overstate the amount of time that raising small children requires, and the details of tending to everyone’s needs can take a surprisingly large portion of your day.  This may not leave time to get much else done, causing many moms to feel that they’ve somehow fallen short.  To counter this, try to determine what accomplishments could meet your own definition of “enough,” and be realistic in how much you expect from yourself right now.

 

The other cause of Mommy Guilt is the never-ending list of “should” statements, as in “I should be able to keep the house clean,” “I should be spending more time playing with the kids,” or “I shouldn’t take time for myself because that would be selfish.”

 

The first thing to consider is whether, in either case, the guilt is at all justified.  Sometimes your guilt isn’t entirely unwarranted – maybe you really do need to spend more time playing, for example.  But more often than not, Mommy Guilt is uncalled for, an unnecessary and distracting burden moms place squarely on their own shoulders. 

When you’re debating a particular “should,” ask yourself whose it is.  If a “should” comes from someone whose opinion matters to you, and is based on genuine care (“You seem really tired.  You should take a couple hours for yourself and have a little down time”), this isn’t a guilt-inspiring “should,” but rather a suggestion that’s probably worth considering.  In contrast, if the “should” does make you feel guilty, and is really just someone’s attempt to tell you what to do, or sell you on her way of doing things (“You should be doing ___ to potty train / feed / discipline your children”), let it go in one ear and out the other. 

 

When a “should” and guilt are of your own making, evaluate whether the situation warrants action.  If you’re feeling guilty because you haven’t called your best friend in a month, you may want to pick up the phone.  If you’re feeling guilty about the state of your home, perhaps the best action is to adjust your expectations or be satisfied if you get one or two specific cleaning tasks done.  

There’s no point in hanging onto guilt; use it as a call to action or an opportunity to let go of unrealistic expectations (yours or others’).  Left unchecked, guilt will make you feel bad without solving anything; you’re much better off without it.

 

Your assignment:  Think about the causes of your own Mommy Guilt.  Address the guilt by either taking action to alleviate it, or choosing not to take action and letting go of it altogether.  Be aware of the “shoulds” in your life and where they come from, and reconsider what constitutes “enough” in your expectations of yourself.

 

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Apr
07

Don’t tell me your day was FINE!

It’s the automatic (and annoying) response to the question, “How was your day?”  “Fine.”  Which is not a fine answer to a parent hoping for information or insights as to what actually happened during kindergarten, preschool, the playdate or whatever else.

 

How do you go about getting a reasonable answer that actually tells you something?  There are several options you can try:

  • Get specific – sometimes kids have a hard time figuring out what to tell you, and specific questions can make it easier.  For example, “What was one thing you especially enjoyed doing with Jane?”, “What did Jack do to make you laugh at preschool today?”, or “Which kids did you sit with at snack time?” are more likely to start a conversation.
  • Ask kids to walk you through their day (suggested by author Thomas Colson) – putting the day in chronological order makes it easier to recall, and gives a better chance of interesting moments being recalled.
  • Do the best/worst scenario – each child (and adult too!) shares the best thing and worst thing about the day, then chooses the next person to do the same until everyone has gotten a turn.
  • Focus on the positive – make it a habit to ask each child what their biggest success was, or what they were most proud of, from the day.  Once children begin expecting this question, they’ll start paying more attention to accomplishments they want to remember to share with you later.
  • Eat dinner together and set an example of sharing – start by having adults share whatever they deem interesting, then have kids follow suit.  If you don’t regularly eat as a family, try to set aside at least a night or two a week when you can do this, or gather around the table for dessert and conversation.

 

There are a few things not to do as well:

  • Don’t interrogate – particularly if a child is sharing a challenge or concern, such as an issue with a classmate, don’t make him feel like he’s on the stand.  Let him say as much as he wants to, but don’t push him beyond that.  Otherwise, next time he’s likely to say nothing at all.
  • Don’t be too critical – if your daughter tells you about a friend who got in trouble, beware of giving a response along the lines of, “Wow, Annie is always doing something stupid!  What an idiot!”  This may either cause your child to want to protect Annie by not telling you things that will make you think badly of the friend, or not want to play with Annie because Annie doesn’t seem to meet with your approval.  Your daughter may also worry that you’ll judge her equally harshly when she herself makes a mistake.
  • Don’t multitask – your child is opening up to you; stop whatever else you’re doing and make him the sole focus of your attention.  No one wants to talk to someone who’s only half-way listening.
  • Watch the unsolicited opinions – even if positive, the message you’re sending is that everything your child tells you is being evaluated, and she’ll filter what she says based on your expected reactions.  The more your child views you as an interested listener rather than a judge, the more likely she’ll be to openly share what’s going on in her life. 

 

Look for times to begin conversations, ask open-ended questions, then sit back and listen attentively.  This will create the possibility for answers that are a lot better than “fine”! 

 

 

Your assignment:  This week, try some new ways to get your children to share information about their time away from you.  Ask new questions, try a different approach, and/or respond in a way that makes kids feel heard but not judged.  If you pull this off, your conversations will go far beyond “fine”.

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