May 12

Do as I say (not as I do)!

Moms are nothing if not teachers.  It’s one of the basics of the job; every time you speak, you teach a lesson, instruct, share knowledge.  Unfortunately, your actions tend to say even more than your words.

 

You probably have a long list of qualities you try to teach your children, regarding their manners, behaviors, eating, bathing and cleaning habits, among other things.  Here’s the important question:  how well do your own behaviors reflect the lessons you’re trying to instill?  

 

It isn’t uncommon to hold your children to a higher standard than you’re willing to adopt for yourself, even though this really isn’t fair.  Granted, you’re the mom, which gives you a certain amount of leeway.  At the same time, it can be confusing to a child when your words and actions don’t match.

 

Here are a few common examples to consider:

  • Yelling – moms generally don’t tolerate a lot of yelling from children, at least indoors.  You encourage one sibling not to yell at the other and you ask a child to come to the room where you are rather than yelling at you from across the house.  Do you manage not to yell either?  Many moms find that keeping their temper, remaining calm 24/7, is extremely hard; most do, at least occasionally, resort to yelling.
  • Cleaning – is your bed made right now?  Are your pj’s put away?  Do you clear your dishes after each meal?  If you want your children to make these basic tasks a habit, you have to set the example.  Kids will pick up much of what you habitually do, accepting your actions as “how things are done,” whether good or bad.
  • Manners – how well do you do at remembering please and thank you?  Be sure to let your children hear you using good manners at every opportunity; few traits are as important as manners in determining how others respond to your kids.
  • Eating – this is an especially hard area to address if you or your husband is a picky eater, but encourage your children to try at least one bite of every food on their plate, and don’t let them see parents avoiding undesired dishes.  Try to expand your own palate a little, if it means that the whole family can eat healthier food.
  • General behavior – if you tell your child to talk nicely about other people but then gossip on the phone about all the other moms who are driving you crazy, your child will pick up your habit and ignore your requests to the contrary.  As kids get older, this also tends to hold true for the type of language you use, whether you smoke, whether you spend time volunteering for causes you believe in.  Whatever example you set, good or bad, will override words you speak to the contrary.

 

A good litmus test for actions is the “video camera test” – if someone were to follow you around all day with a recorder, would you be pleased by the actions captured on tape?  Your children are a lot like that camera, and are likely to play back for you exactly what they’ve seen.

 

Your assignment:  Think about your own actions in areas you frequently address with your children.  As much as possible, try to model the behavior you expect from them; lead by example, so they see you doing whatever you’re asking them to do.  Good luck!

May 05

Make it a great Mother’s Day!

Mother’s Day is right around the corner.  Whether you favor lots of festivities or a quiet day, what can you do to make your celebration special?

 

Perhaps leaving all the planning to your husband and/or kids works perfectly.  However, for many moms, doing just a little legwork can make the day even better.  Here are some options:

 

  • Give yourself a day off.  Some might consider this a no-brainer, but it’s not always so easy, especially if you’re the one responsible for most of the household chores.  Give yourself a deadline of Saturday afternoon to do whatever tasks have to be done before Monday, even if it means a couple extra loads of laundry or cooking ahead.  Don’t spend one moment of Mother’s Day doing chores.
  • Make a memory.  Do something to commemorate this year as a mom.  Dress everyone in coordinating outfits and take a picture with your children, make handprints together, write down your favorite thing about this point in your children’s lives, or about your experience as a mother right now.  Any of these will help this Mother’s Day stand out for you down the road, and might begin a nice tradition.
  • Do you have a creatively challenged husband?  Team up with a friend.  You help her little ones make special cards for her, she takes your kids and does the same.  Everyone gets nice little surprises, everyone has fun.
  • Don’t expect your family to read your mind.  If you want to go out to a fancy brunch or dinner (if reservations are still available), let your wishes be known.  Ditto if you want a completely low-key day hanging out at home, taking a long bath or sitting down to finally watch a show you recorded two months ago.
  • Do what you can to be extra nice to yourself this week.  Pick a mascot for yourself – Wonder Woman? Wilma Flintstone? June Cleaver? – and tape her picture to your mirror to make you smile each time you see it.  Treat yourself to your favorite latte.  Tell yourself every morning that you’re a fabulous mom…and believe it.

 

Mother’s Day is your day, a time to feel good about your accomplishments, enjoy a little R&R (Rest & Relaxation, Rock & Roll, you pick), and take pride in knowing that you have the most important job in the world.  Happy Mother’s Day!

 

Your assignment:  Think about what would make this Mother’s Day particularly special for you; give yourself some extra time off, make time for a favorite family activity or look for ways to be especially nice to yourself.  Whatever you come up with, make your wishes known and have a wonderful day!

Apr 28

Summer’s coming – don’t weight!

Despite this week’s weather, summer really is just around the corner.  Many moms lament not having their pre-child bodies, but instead of feeling bad about not looking like you used to, do what you can to feel good about how you look now.

 

If you’d like to get in better shape and/or take off a few pounds before getting into a bathing suit, this is the time to take action.  Everyone knows that diet and exercise are the keys to weight loss, but you’ll give yourself the best odds of success if you eschew drastic changes in lieu of one or two small sustainable changes at a time.  If you take a “baby steps” approach, you’re much more likely to stick with it.  Even if your weight is fine, better health and fitness is always a good goal.

 

Here are some specific actions you could try:

Exercise: 

  • Add one workout per week to your schedule
  • Increase each workout you now do by 5-10 minutes
  • Treat yourself to a few sessions with a personal trainer
  • Try a new class, either at the gym or with an outside group (Stroller Strides, Baby Boot Camp, etc.), to make your routine more interesting
  • Join a Meetup group that promotes fitness; in the Sacramento area, options include a group for hiking with children and a family Zumba group, among others
  • Put your child in a stroller and take a power walk for a few minutes each day, even for a short distance

 

Diet:

  • Cut out as much sugar and processed food from your diet as you can; this may be difficult, but any steps in this direction will be beneficial
  • Keep lots of fresh fruit on hand, and replace between-meal snacks with fruit
  • Drink a glass of water whenever you think about it; sometimes thirst masks as hunger, so keeping hydrated can actually make you feel less hungry
  • Write down every single thing you eat for a few days; this will make you more aware of what you eat, and probably help you make better choices too, especially if you do this with a friend and agree to show your lists to each other
  • Eat throughout the day; this keeps you from getting too hungry, keeps your energy level on an even keel, and is better for your metabolism
  • To read an informative article with more good dietary tips, click here

 

Lifestyle:

  • Try to limit fast food; keep enough food at home to throw together quick meals when you need to
  • When you’re eating, eat; when you multitask and watch TV or otherwise distract yourself, you tend to eat more without realizing it
  • Get enough sleep; when you’re tired, you may feel hungry because your body needs more energy.  If you have a baby, ample sleep may not be possible, but nap when you can and try not to get overly exhausted
  • If better fitness is your aim, set a longer-range goal to keep you motivated; commit to a marathon or half-marathon, a strenuous hike (Half Dome, Mt. Lassen, Mt. Shasta), a 25- or 50-mile bike ride, or anything that will give you a reason to get in better shape
  • For an article listing food comparisons, more lifestyle issues and lots of weight-loss resources, click here.

 

If you can drop two pounds a week you’ll have shed ten pounds by Memorial Day, which for most women is a full clothing size.  Good luck!

 

Your assignment:  Commit to one positive change relating to your diet, exercise routine or lifestyle.  Even if weight loss isn’t an issue for you, think about a change that would make you (and your family) more healthy.  This is one area where there’s almost always a little room for improvement.

Apr 21

Spreading the guilt

This week’s title, had space allowed, would have been “Guilt as a weapon of mass instruction,” because moms do tend to use liberal amounts of guilt as a way to get things done.

 

Last week, addressing your own feelings of guilt, you distinguished between guilt that warranted action and unnecessary guilt.  Because most people already carry around too much guilt, figuring out how not to spread any more of it is beneficial for everyone.

 

How often do you catch yourself saying something to your husband or kids that carries an undertone of guilt?  You make the other person feel bad for not doing something that, according to you, should be done, or for doing something wrong.

 

There’s a better way!  Focus more on the outcome you want, and direct your efforts toward achieving that result rather than on creating guilt.  Here are some common scenarios that you might address using guilt, along with healthier options to try. 

 

Situation:  Your child hasn’t picked up his clothes, toys or blocks off the floor.

Guilt-inducing comment:  “Your room is a pig sty!  I’d feel awful if my room looked like that!”

Better options:  Depending on the child’s age, tell him what needs to get done, offer to help, or clarify your rules (“Before you watch Sesame Street, your floor has to be picked up.”)

Remember:  The real goal is to motivate your child and to get the room picked up, not to have him feel bad about the room being a mess.

 

Situation:  Your husband is consistently working later than you’d like, and you feel like you need more help.

Guilt-inducing comment:  “You’re always coming home late, and I have to do everything myself.  Why can’t you make more of an effort to be here and help?”

Better option:  Explain your situation and ask for exactly what you need (“I have trouble making dinner with the toddler hanging on me; is there a way you could be home by 5:30 so I could have dinner ready by 6?”)

Remember:  Without a specific request for action, your husband may just think you’re complaining.  By telling him what you need, you’re giving him a way to fix the problem, or to start looking at options.  You can’t expect him to read your mind, and if you make him feel bad he may make less of an effort to be home rather than more.

 

Situation:  Your child wants you to find the missing toy that’s in one of twenty possible places; you don’t want to deal with it.

Guilt-inducing response:  You sigh, make a face and roll your eyes, making it clear that you’re feeling put-upon and highly inconvenienced, then grudgingly go search for the toy. 

Better option:  Be honest.  Tell her that you’re too tired, or that you don’t have time right now, but that you’ll help her look for the toy after her nap (or whenever).

Remember:  It’s ok to say no to a request, but it’s not ok to make your child feel bad about asking in the first place.  You want her to feel comfortable coming to you with concerns, and you want to model the behavior you expect from her – which probably doesn’t include sighing and eye-rolling!

 

Guilt isn’t always a bad thing.  If your child hits the dog, he should feel guilty, and this guilt may serve as a deterrent for the next time.   But save the guilt for times like these, and try not to use it otherwise.  Most of us resent the person who makes us feel guilty; don’t be that person! 

 

Your assignment:  Think about ways in which you may be using guilt to get the people around you to do what you want them to.  Focus more on the desired outcome, share your feelings, ask for what you want and/or clarify what you don’t want.

Apr 14

Oh, the GUILT!

 

 

Guilt seems to be a staple in the lives of many moms – both their own guilt and the guilt they may place (intentionally or otherwise) on others.  Even when it “works,” no one is better off.  A job might get done, or an obligation met, but not for the right reasons.

 

This week, let’s take a closer look at what makes you feel guilty (we’ll look at the people around you next week).  Many moms are subject to bouts of “Mommy Guilt,” usually stemming from one of two things.  The first is the feeling that you’re never doing / being / accomplishing quite enough.  It’s hard to overstate the amount of time that raising small children requires, and the details of tending to everyone’s needs can take a surprisingly large portion of your day.  This may not leave time to get much else done, causing many moms to feel that they’ve somehow fallen short.  To counter this, try to determine what accomplishments could meet your own definition of “enough,” and be realistic in how much you expect from yourself right now.

 

The other cause of Mommy Guilt is the never-ending list of “should” statements, as in “I should be able to keep the house clean,” “I should be spending more time playing with the kids,” or “I shouldn’t take time for myself because that would be selfish.”

 

The first thing to consider is whether, in either case, the guilt is at all justified.  Sometimes your guilt isn’t entirely unwarranted – maybe you really do need to spend more time playing, for example.  But more often than not, Mommy Guilt is uncalled for, an unnecessary and distracting burden moms place squarely on their own shoulders. 

When you’re debating a particular “should,” ask yourself whose it is.  If a “should” comes from someone whose opinion matters to you, and is based on genuine care (“You seem really tired.  You should take a couple hours for yourself and have a little down time”), this isn’t a guilt-inspiring “should,” but rather a suggestion that’s probably worth considering.  In contrast, if the “should” does make you feel guilty, and is really just someone’s attempt to tell you what to do, or sell you on her way of doing things (“You should be doing ___ to potty train / feed / discipline your children”), let it go in one ear and out the other. 

 

When a “should” and guilt are of your own making, evaluate whether the situation warrants action.  If you’re feeling guilty because you haven’t called your best friend in a month, you may want to pick up the phone.  If you’re feeling guilty about the state of your home, perhaps the best action is to adjust your expectations or be satisfied if you get one or two specific cleaning tasks done.  

There’s no point in hanging onto guilt; use it as a call to action or an opportunity to let go of unrealistic expectations (yours or others’).  Left unchecked, guilt will make you feel bad without solving anything; you’re much better off without it.

 

Your assignment:  Think about the causes of your own Mommy Guilt.  Address the guilt by either taking action to alleviate it, or choosing not to take action and letting go of it altogether.  Be aware of the “shoulds” in your life and where they come from, and reconsider what constitutes “enough” in your expectations of yourself.

 

Apr 07

Don’t tell me your day was FINE!

It’s the automatic (and annoying) response to the question, “How was your day?”  “Fine.”  Which is not a fine answer to a parent hoping for information or insights as to what actually happened during kindergarten, preschool, the playdate or whatever else.

 

How do you go about getting a reasonable answer that actually tells you something?  There are several options you can try:

  • Get specific – sometimes kids have a hard time figuring out what to tell you, and specific questions can make it easier.  For example, “What was one thing you especially enjoyed doing with Jane?”, “What did Jack do to make you laugh at preschool today?”, or “Which kids did you sit with at snack time?” are more likely to start a conversation.
  • Ask kids to walk you through their day (suggested by author Thomas Colson) – putting the day in chronological order makes it easier to recall, and gives a better chance of interesting moments being recalled.
  • Do the best/worst scenario – each child (and adult too!) shares the best thing and worst thing about the day, then chooses the next person to do the same until everyone has gotten a turn.
  • Focus on the positive – make it a habit to ask each child what their biggest success was, or what they were most proud of, from the day.  Once children begin expecting this question, they’ll start paying more attention to accomplishments they want to remember to share with you later.
  • Eat dinner together and set an example of sharing – start by having adults share whatever they deem interesting, then have kids follow suit.  If you don’t regularly eat as a family, try to set aside at least a night or two a week when you can do this, or gather around the table for dessert and conversation.

 

There are a few things not to do as well:

  • Don’t interrogate – particularly if a child is sharing a challenge or concern, such as an issue with a classmate, don’t make him feel like he’s on the stand.  Let him say as much as he wants to, but don’t push him beyond that.  Otherwise, next time he’s likely to say nothing at all.
  • Don’t be too critical – if your daughter tells you about a friend who got in trouble, beware of giving a response along the lines of, “Wow, Annie is always doing something stupid!  What an idiot!”  This may either cause your child to want to protect Annie by not telling you things that will make you think badly of the friend, or not want to play with Annie because Annie doesn’t seem to meet with your approval.  Your daughter may also worry that you’ll judge her equally harshly when she herself makes a mistake.
  • Don’t multitask – your child is opening up to you; stop whatever else you’re doing and make him the sole focus of your attention.  No one wants to talk to someone who’s only half-way listening.
  • Watch the unsolicited opinions – even if positive, the message you’re sending is that everything your child tells you is being evaluated, and she’ll filter what she says based on your expected reactions.  The more your child views you as an interested listener rather than a judge, the more likely she’ll be to openly share what’s going on in her life. 

 

Look for times to begin conversations, ask open-ended questions, then sit back and listen attentively.  This will create the possibility for answers that are a lot better than “fine”! 

 

 

Your assignment:  This week, try some new ways to get your children to share information about their time away from you.  Ask new questions, try a different approach, and/or respond in a way that makes kids feel heard but not judged.  If you pull this off, your conversations will go far beyond “fine”.

Mar 31

One size does not fit all

“I know just what you should do!” says the mom sitting next to you at the park, observing the tantrum your toddler is throwing at the moment.  Ok, maybe she has a good idea, but chances are you know your child and the situation better than anyone else.  In an effort to “solve” everyone’s parenting dilemmas, misguided onlookers and fellow moms love to offer advice (or directives) which can sometimes make you second-guess your parenting and your choices… as though you need one more thing to be concerned about!

 

Especially when it comes to emotionally loaded areas like sleeping, eating, working outside the home and discipline, moms rack up a lot of unnecessary worry and guilt by forgetting that there are lots of possible ways to do things.  Particularly if you’re a first-time mom, wanting so much to get everything “right” but not fully trusting yourself, it can be hard to separate worthy suggestions from completely unnecessary opinions.

 

How do you decide what to listen to and what to ignore?  Here are some questions you can ask yourself about advice, solicited or otherwise:

 

  • Did I ask for input?  If so, then just imagine the words “Here’s what worked for me:” in front of every piece of feedback you get.  Once you have lots of ideas, sort through them using the filters of your own knowledge, experience and intuition.
  • Do I trust this person, or share her parenting philosophy?  Unless a mom is one whose mothering style you like and agree with, her solutions may not be the right ones for you.
  • Does this person know my child?  The more familiar someone is with your particular set of circumstances, the better idea she may have about ideas that could work for you.
  • Does the advice-giver have an agenda?  Anyone whose mission it is to get all other moms onboard her personal bandwagon isn’t someone you need to listen to.  This is where “one size fits all” absolutely doesn’t hold true.
  • Does the issue really matter?  Lots of challenges seem more critical than they really are, and chances are good that you know a lot more than you think.  No one has the right to micromanage your parenting choices, and for smaller issues you probably don’t need much input.

 

Whatever information, advice or suggestions come your way, remember that there are lots of perfectly good (and diverse) ways to do things.  As long as your choices are loving, thoughtful and based on your own knowledge of your child, you’re heading in the right direction… no matter what anyone tells you.

 

Your assignment:  Think about areas of parenting where you tend to second-guess yourself.  Where could you get the input you need to make decisions you feel good about, without worrying about advice that causes you to feel worse or further question your choices?  Focus on the people you trust, and make it a point to let go of feedback from others.

Mar 24

The Power of One (on one)

When I speak to mom groups, I often ask for words of wisdom:  What do you do that makes you feel most connected to your child?  What would you recommend to other moms?   One answer that comes up over and over again is spending focused one-on-one time with each child.

 

This sounds easy enough, but life often gets in the way – especially if you have more than one child.  You can spend so much time just getting everyone fed, bathed, dressed, and driven all over the place that there isn’t a lot of time left over.  Unless you make dedicated “quality time” a priority, it may not happen at all… but the satisfaction it gives you makes it worth the effort.

 

How do you start building a little more one-on-one time into your day?  It depends a lot on your situation.

·         If you have one child: the quantity of time may not be hard to come by, but if you’re with your child day in and day out it becomes important to distinguish between simply being in the presence of your child and giving him your undivided attention for a period of time.  Even if you’re an accomplished multi-tasker, try to set everything aside for at least 5 or 10 minutes at a time and focus completely on your child.

·         If you have two children: when one child is napping, in preschool or otherwise occupied, use the opportunity to spend a little focused time with the other.  Another option is to set a timer and explain to each child that they will each have “Mommy time” until the timer goes off, at which point it will be the other child’s turn.  Some families have a designated parent-child night each week, alternating which parent takes which child, giving everyone special time to look forward to.

·         If you have three or more children: you may want to come up with special activities to do with each child on a regular basis.  Perhaps there’s a game your daughter loves for you to play together, your son likes to build Lego cities with you, and your toddler just wants to snuggle and read stories.  The timer method may also work for you; if each child understands that they’ll get time of their own, they’re more likely to leave you alone when it’s your time with a sibling.

·         If you work outside the home: your time is much more limited, so you have to think about what works with your schedule.  You could make a little one-on-one time part of your evening routine, or set aside time over the weekend to dedicate to each child.

 

Whatever your situation, be realistic about how much time you have, and don’t expect yourself to spend an hour a day with each child.  This sounds good, but isn’t practical for most moms.   If you can only offer focused attention for five or ten minutes before your mind starts to drift, then aim for shorter periods of time throughout the day.  The amount of time is less important than the fact that you’re making the time at all.  Having regular, undivided quality time with each of your children will make you and them happier, make you more satisfied as a mom, and give everyone lots of happy memories.

 

Your assignment:  If you don’t already have designated one-on-one time with each child, schedule some this week.  Plan an outing together, or just sit down and do some activities together each day while offering your full attention.  You’ll be glad you did.

Mar 17

The dreaded ultimatum

 

Ultimatums.  No one likes them much, especially the person on the receiving end, but to some degree most moms use them.  “If you don’t come to the table right now, you won’t be having dinner tonight!”  “If you don’t share the toy by the time I count to three, you’re going to lose it for the rest of the week!”  And, in some cases, your threats may even work… but only if you consistently follow through on what you say.

 

The problems start when you can’t or don’t want to actually carry out the threat.  Once the words have been spoken, you’ve painted yourself into a corner; sooner or later your kids will call your bluff.  One time, at my daughter’s gymnastics class, there was a mom who yelled ongoing ultimatums to her misbehaving son.  “You stop that right now or you’re going to sit in the car!”  “I mean it! You need to listen or I’m taking you out of the class!”  “Pay attention or I’m coming in there and you’re done!”  And on and on.  There was no truth in these threats, and certainly her son knew it.  She might just as well have hollered, “You don’t have to listen to me, because I’m just yelling and I won’t do anything, so keep right on misbehaving!”

 

Most moms know better than to let their ultimatums get to that extreme, but it’s important to look at why you use them at all.  Obviously the main reason is to get results – but for how long?  They may get your child to do something, in that moment, but if they are used too often, or used as idle threats, they’ll stop working at all.  The best course of action is to avoid ultimatums as much as possible, but if you can’t do that then keep these tips in mind:

 

  • If you want credibility with your children – and who doesn’t? – you have to mean what you say.  If you aren’t willing to back up your words with action, you’re better off saying nothing.  If you give your kids a five minute warning toward the end of a playdate, only to get into a half-hour conversation with another mom, the next time your kids will be less likely to listen when you ask them to get ready to go.
  • Think about the specific message you really want to give your child when you’re about to issue an ultimatum.  Take out the threat and simply state what you want.  For example, a positive version of “If you don’t do X then ___” would simply be, “I need you to do X.  Now.”
  • Look at areas where you tend to give ultimatums, and be proactive.  Set expectations ahead of time, establish a specific consequence when a certain misbehavior occurs, then matter-of-factly administer this consequence if your child misbehaves.
  • Be consistent.  Once your children know that you can be taken at your word, they’ll begin to respond accordingly.  But rest assured that they will put you to the test a few times first.
  • Don’t set yourself up for punishment.  If your favorite fellow moms are at a particular play group, don’t leverage a threat with the consequence of not going to this gathering.  Pick an outcome that doesn’t take something away from you.  This makes follow-through easier as well.

 

Yet again, the adage Stop, Look and Listen comes to mind.  When you feel the urge to burst forth with an impossible threat, stop and take a deep breath.  Look at the situation, and listen to the voice of reason in your head.  You may want, like the mom I overheard at the playground, to yell, “If you don’t get over here we’re never going to the park again!  Ever!” but that probably won’t solve anything.  Say what you mean and teach your children to trust your words, so they’ll learn to listen to you sooner… before the dreaded ultimatum rears its ugly head.  

 

Your assignment:  Think about the ultimatums you issue to your children.  Are there areas where you often catch yourself making impossible threats?  Be more aware of these in the next week, try to mean what you say as much as possible, and consistently follow through on consequences so your kids will learn to take you at your word.

 

Mar 10

Don’t get discouraged!

Every mom has been there at some point.  You feel completely overwhelmed, ready to wave the white flag and run away to a deserted island where no one wants anything from you, no one is crying, and the mile-long to-do list has been mysteriously replaced by a beach chair and a fruity beverage with a paper umbrella on top.

 

But back to reality.  Mothering is hard work, and sometimes much more discouraging than most moms would like to admit.  You’ve spent the last month trying to potty train, and your child refuses to care.  Your toddler will not sleep through the night or eat anything remotely resembling a vegetable.  Your kindergartner doesn’t want to be friends, much less share anything, with a single one of her classmates.

 

It’s easy to get bogged down in the every day challenges and lose sight of the bigger picture.  Yes, at some point your child will use the toilet, eat and sleep normally and make friends, but in the here and now these accomplishments feel like a distant fantasy.

 

What’s a mom to do, to keep her sanity and her positive outlook?  Here are a few ideas:

·         Know that you’re not alone.  Moms often don’t, for obvious reasons, air their challenges to the world at large, but every mom her hard issues, hard days, sometimes hard weeks or months.  And if that’s the case…

·         There’s support out there.  Whether in the form of online resources, books to read, a conversation with a mom at the park or with a trained professional, there are new ideas to try, people to communicate with, others who will make your concerns a little more manageable.

·         Remember the big picture.  Sometimes just looking down the road and remembering that this, too, SHALL pass, can keep issues in perspective.

·         Shift your focus to what you’re doing right.  It’s easy to focus on what’s wrong, because problems stand out.  The more you can redirect your thoughts toward your parenting successes, however, and look at areas that are going well with your children, the better you’re likely to feel.

·         Ask your kids what they love most about mommy, and write this down.  Nothing can turn around discouragement as much as being told which of your many qualities your kids think are great.

 

There’s an allegory circulating about two men working at a building site.  Asked what they’re doing, the first man tiredly replies that he’s just laying bricks over and over.  The second man, doing the same job, proudly shares that he’s building a beautiful cathedral. 

 

Potty training a child, solving sleep issues, finding common ground between feuding siblings – these are the bricks you’re slowly putting in place (sometimes very, very slowly).  Over time, each new skill you reinforce, each argument you referee, each sadness you erase helps build your child into the person he or she will ultimately become.  It may be years before you fully see the results of all your hard work, but in the meantime you have to know that every loving act is one more brick in the masterpiece that is your child.  Give yourself a pat on the back!

 

Your assignment:  Think about what issues tend to make you discouraged as a mom.  See what you can do to get a little more perspective, try a new approach or find understanding people to support you.  Don’t let your challenges override your successes.

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