It should be so easy, right? You used to be little yourself, so bringing up a confident, self-assured, happy young woman ought to come naturally… but of course it’s not that simple.
Many books have been written on this subject (a few of which I’ve referenced below), so a short article can barely scratch the surface. Still, there are some good things to keep in mind depending on your daughter’s age; if she is:
Preschool age or younger – encourage her in every way possible as she explores the world. Help her to discover what she likes and what she doesn’t, and give her lots of opportunities to try new things (foods, sports, activities, anything!). At this age you have great influence over her friendships, so nurture the relationships with positive and happy children whose behavior you’d like your daughter to emulate.
Early grade school – as she moves into elementary school, her aptitudes will become more pronounced. Help her make the most of whatever areas she’s strong in, and try to avoid setting your expectations based on gender (“She’s a girl, so of course she’ll be a good reader but not so good at math,” for example). Let her start developing her own sense of style, but don’t put pressure on her to look a certain way; society will do this soon enough. If her favorite outfit doesn’t match perfectly, let her wear it anyway.
9-11 years – with puberty approaching, issues with friends, classmates and popularity may become more pronounced. A Smart Girl’s Guide to Friendship Troubles, published by American Girl, offers a great selection of age-appropriate solutions to typical problems, along with several real-life stories of girls facing difficult situations with friends.
Girl Scouts of America and the Dove Foundation have created a program called Uniquely Me! that focuses on issues girls face at this age, offering activities, quizzes and talking points to help girls develop healthy self-esteem and consider common challenges. For information and free materials, click here.
During this time before the “tween” years hit in earnest, your daughter is still likely to enjoy spending time with you; take advantage of opportunities to do things together, to help strengthen your bond for the more tumultuous years that may lie ahead. Recognize that she is far more grown-up in her own mind than you believe her to be.
Adolescent – for many girls, the tween and early teen years are the most difficult. Social pressures are often at the forefront, and trying to fit in and find one’s place in the world can be hard for girls who aren’t part of the “popular” crowd. Two widely recommended books are Queen Bees and Wannabees and Reviving Ophelia, both offering important insights about the workings of a young girl’s mind and situations, and giving practical suggestions to parents.
Whatever your daughter’s age, keep the lines of communication open as best you can. Ask her open-ended questions, listen without making judgmental comments (which will shut down the conversation), and help her make her own decisions. For example, rather than saying, “This is what I would do…” ask her what ideas she has. Offer input if she needs it (“One thing you could try is…”), but let her draw her own conclusions. Teaching her to make decisions she feels good about will serve her well throughout her life.
Also, try not to make appearance a focal point. Do what you can to help your daughter look her best (good diet and exercise habits, regular bathing, etc.), and acknowledge concerns she has about her looks, but don’t give her the message that there’s something wrong with her, even if, for example, she needs to lose a few pounds. The more you can avoid commenting on your own looks in her presence, the better; if you’re always looking in the mirror or saying that you look fat, she’ll form the belief that this is what grown-ups do, and she’ll try to emulate your behavior.
The most important thing you can do is to make her feel loved unconditionally so she learns to believe in herself, giving her a safety net to fall back on no matter what else is going on in her life.
Your assignment: If you have a daughter, take some time this week to think about the relationship you have with her and the messages you give her through your actions. Read a book to help you better understand her life right now, take some one-on-one time to interact with her and give her the chance to talk with you about challenges she may be facing, or just tell her all the things you think are special about her.
