Last week we looked at raising daughters, so this week we’re addressing sons. Did you think, before you had kids, that boys and girls behaved differently because of how they were raised? Many mothers of boys initially assume (and you know what they say about assuming) that a tranquil household environment paired with calm, gender-neutral activities will create a peaceful child with no particular interest in guns, large machinery, destruction, and all things noisy. And most of these moms are in for a rude awakening.
I was a mom like this, determined that my influence could overcome basic genetics – and I, like so many others, was completely wrong. By the age of two, my son was identifying pieces of construction equipment that I, in my thirties, had never learned names for. Once Legos and Bionicles came on the scene, these became an obsession, and my child quickly took to manufacturing all types of weapons (“Look Mom! This guy’s arm turns into a laser and he has claws to grab the bad guys!”). I never expected this, and wasn’t quite sure what to do with it. My husband was equally surprised. The irony is that my son is a very caring child, quick to stand up for the underdog, compassionate when someone is sad, generally kind to others. But this has no bearing on his love of all things destruction-related. Testosterone trumps environment, yet again.
Moms can impact behavior, but not underlying biology. Boys are generally more physical, loud and action-oriented, and this isn’t something to try and “fix”. If you have sons, there are important things to keep in mind:
- Your son can and should have feelings; try to be comfortable with this fact and don’t stifle his emotions. The emotional life of boys is an area that has received a lot of attention lately, and about which there are many good resources. One helpful article is Emotionally Strong Boys, offering highlights from the book Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys. This book makes a strong case that allowing boys their full range of emotions is one of the best things parents can do. Real Boys by Dr. William Pollack also examines the damage that can be done by encouraging boys to stuff their feelings, it explains the “Boy Code” that young men are expected to adhere to, and it emphasizes the importance of acknowledging and processing feelings. Boys who are taught from a young age to “act like a man” and reprimanded when they cry and display “weakness” ultimately have a much harder time functioning in healthy relationships as adults.
- Recognize that boys are wired for being more active and action-oriented. An excellent article on this topic is Boy’s Behavior: Why Boys Behave the Way They Do, summarizing the findings of recent research and offering practical steps to integrate more activity into learning situations. For example, if you want to have a talk with your son you might have better luck if you ask him to go on a walk at the same time, allowing him to be active while communicating with you.
- The traditional school system poses particular problems for many boys, who have difficulty sitting still for extended periods of time. The “male learning style” is addressed in depth by The Minds of Boys: Saving Our Sons from Falling Behind in School and Life; the authors explain how boys tend to think and learn, and offer ideas on helping boys to become better motivated and stay focused on tasks.
- Be aware of male stereotypes, role models, and perceived expectations. A boy who isn’t interested in traditionally male pursuits may feel very uncomfortable; a girl who wants to learn about math or science is often encouraged, while a boy who says he wants to be a nurse or wants to take gymnastics or ballet classes is often discouraged or made fun of. There can be pressure put on boys to excel at sports, especially if their fathers were athletes; boys who lack athletic ability can find themselves in an uncomfortable situation, feeling like they’ve let other family members – or themselves – down.
- Above all, let your boy be who he is. This can be difficult if your son doesn’t fit the traditional “boy mold”, because others (other moms, family members, even husbands) may make judgments about you and your child. If your son runs around too much or makes too much noise, for example, he’s considered unruly and you must not be disciplining him enough. If he isn’t good at sports, you must not have given him enough training. You get the idea. If your son cries easily, you yourself may be uncomfortable because boys “aren’t supposed to act that way.”
As with all children, the most important thing you can do is to make him feel loved unconditionally, so he learns to believe in himself, and has a secure place from which to grow and explore his world.
Your assignment: If you have a son, take some time this week to think about the relationship you have with him and the messages you give him through your actions. Read current information that will help you better understand his life right now, take some one-on-one time to interact with him, let him share his interests with you, or just tell him all the things you think are special about him.
