Last week we looked at handling disputes between you and your children; this week we’re addressing conflict between you and your husband or partner.This is an especially difficult area for many couples, because you have to consider both the issue you’re dealing with and the impact of your arguing or fighting on your children.
The best option is usually to avoid dispute before it starts, but how? There are a few tried and true possibilities:
- Communicate, communicate, communicate. The more you can keep an open dialog between you and your spouse, the more likely you are to avoid difficulties. If you don’t bring up a particular issue until it’s happened a dozen times, you’re going to be more upset and probably handle the situation more poorly than if you’d brought it up earlier. Waiting to address a problem can also foster resentment in the offender (“If this bothered her so much, why did she wait so long to tell me?”)
- When you need to talk about a problem, do it calmly and use “I” statements. Nothing will put another person on the defensive faster than casting blame and making accusations (“You never…” or “You always…” statements fall into this category). Alternatively, saying something like “When __ happens it makes me upset because __” gives information but keeps the focus on you and the issue rather than on the other person doing something wrong.
- As with your children, choose your battles.If you want to be taken seriously, and to generally have a nicer relationship, you can’t address every single thing that bothers you. With everything you have on your plate as a mom, small issues can seem more important than they are. Don’t bring up a problem when you’re too tired, when you’ve been drinking, or when you’re already in a bad mood; these contributing factors are a recipe for disaster. Instead, wait until things are calm and you’ve given a little thought to what you want to say, then bring it up.
Despite your best efforts, sometimes you’ll end up having a disagreement in front of your children. Here’s the thing; recent studies have found that children with parents who frequently fight are subject to almost as much stress as children whose parents divorce. Conflict resolution is a great skill to teach your children, but if your “resolution” involves yelling, name calling or slamming doors, for instance, no one is better off – especially your kids, who will likely feel both responsible and powerless.
What do you do when you find yourself at odds with your spouse?
- Have ground rules in place for what is and isn’t acceptable behavior, and agree to these with your spouse – the actions mentioned above should be placed in an “off limits” category, particularly if your children are in the house. Any disagreement relating to a child should, of course, be addressed away from that child; you need to present a united front with your final decision, and you don’t want your child to feel that he caused an argument.
- Think about what you’re saying, and howTry to use respectful words, even if you’re feeling really angry. If you make your point with snide or demeaning comments, even in a calm voice, you’ll probably regret it. Such remarks can be confusing to your kids, and, depending on their ages, you may have to revisit and clarify the situation later on.
- When tension is getting too high, have an agreed-upon signal with your spouse to indicate that a discussion must be tabled until the two of you can hash things out – alone. This can be very hard in the heat of the moment, but you have to consider the impact on your children, and put their needs ahead of your own desire to deal with the problem.
- If you or your spouse loses your temper, apologize (or forgive), take your share of responsibility and be willing to move on. Holding grudges isn’t helpful and won’t improve the situation.
- Above all, remember that your actions are teaching your kids, for better or worse, what to do when they’re angry. If you want them to learn respectful behavior, healthy conflict resolution and the ability to take responsibility when they mess up, you have to model this. Managing anger is a critically important skill, and you’re the primary teacher.
Your assignmentThink about how you manage the issues you have with your spouse, and how you might better handle these. If you tend to fight in front of your children, look for better alternatives – recognize the importance of keeping calm, or be more proactive in avoiding issues to begin with.
