This week we’re beginning a look at drawing appropriate battle lines on the family front, and handling disagreements, arguments and quarrelling in your household. This week’s blog addresses disputes between you and your children; next we’ll examine sibling squabbles and the issue of fighting in front of your kids.
You vs. child – This is always a little tricky, since you have the ultimate trump card: “Because I’m the mom, that’s why!” On the flip side, some parents engage in a back-and-forth bickering process that seems never-ending – also not the goal to shoot for.
Disagreements between you and your child often have to do with something one of you wants and the other doesn’t (a cool new toy or for all the toys to be picked up, depending on who’s doing the wanting). Alternately, disputes arise over something one of you wants more of than the other (minutes before bedtime or help, again depending on which person). The key is knowing where you’re willing to be flexible and where you aren’t, and how (and if and when) to effectively negotiate issues with your child. Here are some ideas:
- Don’t say no unless you mean it! If, after you initially turn down a request, your child negotiates (or begs or cries) and then you change your mind, you’ve just rewarded the exact behavior you don’t want, and you’ve sent the message that “no” doesn’t really mean “No!” There may be exceptions to this, but the instances should be few and far between. And…
- If you change your mind, explain why and make it clear that it is an exception. Don’t be surprised if your child argues more with a “No” the next time, however.
- Explain your “No’s”. It isn’t that you owe your child an explanation each time she doesn’t get her way, but the more she understands your motivations the easier it may be for her to accept an answer she doesn’t like. If you aren’t willing to buy a toy because it costs too much, or won’t let your daughter eat cookies for breakfast, take advantage of a teachable moment and help her learn about the issue at hand.
- If you’re about to turn down a request, look for choices your child could make instead. Maybe there’s not time for a puppet show before bed, but your child could choose between reading a story together or singing a song. This type of redirection works well with younger children, and by offering other choices you make the situation more positive.
- It’s ok to say you need time to make a decision (and that you promise not to forget the issue, so your child doesn’t need to ask ten more times). “I’ll have to think about this,” or “Let’s talk about this with your dad at dinner,” are perfectly good responses to a request. Don’t feel pressured to make a decision just because your child wants an answer immediately.
- Know when not to negotiate. If you want your child to clean his room and he doesn’t, this isn’t negotiable. When it comes to chores, basic cleanliness, and of course safety and health issues, what you say goes.
- Avoid excessive negotiation by having clear boundaries. If your child always has to use the potty and brush teeth before bed and always has to have three bites of vegetables at dinner, your expectations are clear and there’s nothing to argue about. Once you allow an issue to be negotiated, these boundaries are blurred and your child will then strive for an outcome she likes better.
To read a good article on the PBS Parents website with more strategies for effectively negotiating with children, click here.
Your assignment: Take a look at issues that tend to pop up between you and each of your children. Are you good at sticking with your decisions, or do you tend to let your child talk you into changing your mind? What negotiating tactics would work best for you? Are there areas where more (or less) negotiating would serve you well? Pay attention to conflicts that arise this week, and try a new tactic to improve the situation. Good luck!
