“I want to look just like you when I grow up,” your daughter says to you. What’s your immediate response? Can you graciously accept the compliment, or do you have to stop yourself from negating her words, saying something to the affect of, “No, honey, you really don’t”?
If you’re like a lot of moms, even if your daughter is too young to have bought in to society’s standard of beauty, your own standard may be impossibly high, and may be teaching lessons you’d never want to impart.
This is a difficult topic, especially if you have a hard time accepting your own looks, but the epidemic of eating disorders among very young girls and the use of plastic surgery on teenagers points to the need to start early sending the right messages to children. Here are some questions to consider:
- What do you say out loud about your own appearance? Are you generally critical or kind to yourself?
- Are there flaws you feel compelled to share with everyone? Do you often talk about your weight, your hair, or body parts you’d like to change?
- Is it hard for you to accept compliments or to acknowledge things about your looks that you’re happy about?
Recognize that your child is a sponge, and will absorb the attitudes and beliefs that you share, whether healthy or not, and generally apply these same concepts to herself. If you allow her to see you feeling good about how you look, and accepting yourself as you are, you’re allowing her a much greater chance of adopting these same ideas. It can feel uncomfortable acknowledging your own positive attributes (“Wow – my hair looks great today!”), but doing this can help your daughter to feel more comfortable seeing what’s right with her own looks.
If your daughter is old enough to understand these issues in greater depth, here are some ideas:
- Talk to her about pictures in magazines, and explain the difference between reality and airbrushed perfection. There’s a great little video entitled “Evolution” on the Dove website that shows how an ordinary girl is transformed into a completely fabricated billboard model.
- Have an honest discussion about appearance. Focus on what you like about yourself, inside and out, and encourage your daughter to do the same.
- Ask her what her friends think about beauty. Depending on her age, you’re likely to hear some surprising answers. By talking about these issues, you can help her process her feelings, and perhaps debunk some of her unrealistic beliefs or expectations.
- Be sure that your comments to her about her looks and features are as positive as you can make them. Even if you have a legitimate concern – perhaps your daughter is heavier than she should be, for instance – address the issue without making it a focal point. You don’t want her to see herself as fundamentally flawed just because she has an area that needs to be addressed.
These issues impact your sons as well; the messages you give about beauty and acceptable appearance can play a significant part in how they view women later in life.
The next time your daughter tells you she wants to look like you, look her right in the eye and tell her that that would be just wonderful. And believe it.
Your assignment: Consider how you feel about your own appearance, and your children’s, and what messages your words and actions convey about how you or they are “supposed to” look. If necessary, focus on how you can create more positive messages, and talk to your daughters, especially, about realistic standard of beauty.
