If you’ve listened to much music from the 70’s, you probably know the Billy Joel song that contains these lyrics. The gist of it is that the person the singer loves doesn’t need to change or do anything different to earn his love; she’s perfect just as she is.
The ballad is meant to be a romantic song, but its message is relevant for moms as well – loving your children unconditionally means loving them just the way they are, and not wanting them to change to be the children you want them to be.
This is fairly easy when you’re dealing with a child you understand well, who shares your personality and values and does what you ask; the challenge is when you’re dealing with a child who doesn’t fit this description, who you don’t understand so well, and who you see as more difficult. That’s when you might start thinking, “If only Bobby would do _____, everything would be so much better.” But is the missing ingredient within Bobby’s ability to do something about, or does it simply reflect who the child is? Correcting behavior is your responsibility; controlling your child isn’t.
There’s a fine line here, because your job is not only to love your children but also to raise each to be a responsible and productive adult; this task involves a great deal of molding and shaping. The tricky part is fundamentally accepting each child for who he is, as this molding and shaping takes place. It isn’t fair to expect your shy child to become an expert at socializing with strangers, for example, or to disregard her preferences because they don’t match yours. When you have one child who is “easy” and one child who isn’t, you might assume the second child is deliberately “difficult,” and try to get him to be just like the easier child – but it won’t work, and it also gives him the message that he’s not as good as the other child, and perhaps that your love for him is more conditional.
It’s tough to have a child that doesn’t match your expectations in some way. If you’ve always been a great musician, say, and your child has no musical ability whatsoever, it’s hard not to try and push the child in that direction anyway, because it’s what YOU want for her. Unless an attribute that you perceive as a shortcoming is something that will negatively impact her life, however, you’re best to try and look the other way. Is there a gift to be found in the “shortcoming”? Is there another way you could look at it? As much as you can, identify what’s right with the child, and what you’re proud of, and put your focus there.
Your child will feel better about himself throughout his life when he’s given the message that he’s good enough exactly the way he is. He needs to know that you’ll never give up on him, and that he’ll always have your love and support (even when it may be hard for you to give it).
Everyone, big and small, wants to feel capable and smart, valued and appreciated, and loved just the way they are. If you see your children’s potential, consistently focus on the positive and let them know you truly believe in them, you’re helping them to do and be their best and giving them the highest possible odds of success.
Your assignment: Is it sometimes difficult for you to accept your child as he is? Do you find yourself wanting to change him in some fundamental way? Take a step back and see how you can address issues and redirect behavior without expecting your child to be someone he isn’t. Pay more attention to his positive traits, being less controlling and more accepting.
