When you look at your child, what do you see? A precious little person who is infinitely capable, a stubborn kid who does everything the hard way, an angelic brother or sister, a headstrong child who never listens…?
If you have infants or toddlers, it’s relatively easy to focus on how cute they are, how much they’re learning, and all the new things they can do. But as kids get older, and begin to display traits or attitudes that you don’t care for, it can sometimes be easier to notice what’s wrong with a child than what’s right. The behaviors you don’t like – the poor table manners, complaining, difficulty sharing – irritate you, so these are what stand out.
The trouble happens when these “problem areas” become a focus, and you start expecting your child to act in undesirable ways. A mom might say something like, “It’s awful taking Johnny to the park; he’s always mean to the other kids and he never listens when it’s time to leave.” If Johnny hears this, he may well accept it as a fact, and reinforce everything the mother has just said. Even if he doesn’t hear the message directly, the mother’s tone of voice and behavior toward him will convey her expectations and likely set up her son to fail. She expects Johnny to behave badly and not listen, which can easily become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
This is not to say that Johnny isn’t hard to deal with at the park or that the mother is to blame for her child’s poor behavior, simply to acknowledge that expectations – either negative or positive – can play a large roll in determining an outcome.
If the mom in the above example instead says to Johnny, “I know that today at the park you’re going to be kind to the other children, and that you’ll come when I tell you we have to leave,” and believes it, she’s a lot more likely to see this outcome. Even if she doesn’t, she’s sending the message to Johnny that he can do better, and that she believes in him, which over time is likely to positively impact his choices.
Henry Ford has a quote you’ve undoubtedly heard: “Whether you think you can or think you can’t, you’re right.” To a child, you as a mom are often the voice that gives one message or the other, and tells him what he is or isn’t able to do. Children will try to live up to the expectations of their parents as best they can, whether those expectations are positive or negative, empowering or limiting. To rephrase Ford’s words: whether you expect your children to succeed or expect them to fall short, you’re right. Expect the best!
Your assignment: Think about the expectations you have of your child, and notice areas where you tend to expect negative outcomes. Look for opportunities to turn these around and set more positive expectations, even when the odds are against you. Your child will benefit from your faith in her, and may surprise you by living up to your expectations.
