Don’t pull the cat’s tail! Don’t yell in the house! Don’t throw your toys! Do any of these commands sound familiar? If you’re like a lot of moms, you may notice yourself giving a lot of orders over the course of a day, especially about what not to do.
You see something you don’t like and you want it to stop, so you address it; this may not be the easiest way to get whatever it is that you do want, however. Here’s why – you’re putting the focus on an undesirable behavior, so that’s exactly where you’re directing your child’s attention. It may seem to you that “Don’t pull the cat’s tail!” is synonymous with “Touch the cat nicely!”, but your child may not make this connection. If he can’t pull the cat’s tail, how about its ears? Can he poke the cat? When you clearly state what behavior you want, your child is a lot more likely to comply.
Here’s a simple series of instructions that I often give to moms in my workshops; try to play along:
Don’t sit down.
Don’t put your arms at your side.
Don’t look up.
…and so forth. All these commands clearly beg the question: What DO you want? If I asked you to stand up, cross your arms, and look straight ahead, it would be much easier (and less frustrating) to accomplish.
“Don’t” commands are well-ingrained, and changing this speech pattern to one of describing a positive outcome can feel awkward at first. A good starting point is to think about your most frequently used “don’t” phrases, and come up with better alternatives. If you’ve planned ahead, you’re more likely to remember your new positive phrases. When a “don’t” order slips out, just follow it up with the statement of what you do want, and this will still help your child to get the right picture. If you can also model what you’re requesting, for instance by petting the cat yourself as you instruct your child to be gentle, it will make the lesson stick even more; teaching by example often gets your point across better than words.
If you’re hearing things from your child like, “Everything I do is wrong,” this is a good indication that there are a few too many “don’ts.” But if this is the case in your home, DON’T worry… just remember to focus on what you DO want (including a happier child and the feeling of being less of a drill sergeant), and you’ll be on your way.
Your assignment: Pay attention over the next few days to see how often you catch yourself giving “don’t” commands, and start turning these around so you more often tell your children what you DO want. The better your kids understand exactly what you expect from them, the better they can comply.
