With the holidays drawing near, this is an especially good time of year to remember the little word that can keep you from getting completely overwhelmed: NO! As a mom, you already have a lot on your plate, and you can get in trouble when you start feeling the need to say yes to every request that comes along.
Why are moms so quick to say yes, even when this is the last thing you want to do? Here are a few common reasons, along with ideas for deciding whether “yes” is really the answer you want to give.
Friendship – Your friend Jane calls and wants you to babysit. You say yes because friends help each other, and you consider yourself a good friend.
BUT is this the third time in the last week that she’s asked you to watch her kids? If you feel like she’s taking advantage of your willingness to lend a hand, and you haven’t had enough time with your own kids, it’s ok to decline. Being a good friend doesn’t mean overextending yourself; taking time for yourself or your own family is a legitimate reason to say no.
Wanting to be liked / to fit in – You get invited to a cookie exchange by another mom in a playgroup you’ve joined; you’re on a strict diet and you don’t even like to bake. You say yes because you don’t want to miss an opportunity to get to know the other moms better, and you’re happy to simply receive the invitation.
BUT do you really want to be there? If not, there will be plenty of other opportunities to spend time with the other moms; give yourself permission to say no. If you do want to go, nothing says you have to participate in the cookie exchange; you could let the hostess know your situation, or you could buy some yummy-looking cookies from a bakery and put them on a nice plate, and no one will be the wiser. There’s no reason to create unnecessary work for yourself.
Appearances – One of the moms at preschool asks you to call every parent in the class to help gather prizes for a school fundraiser. You say yes because you don’t want to look as though you don’t care or aren’t willing to help.
BUT are you comfortable doing this? Do you really have the time to make 30 calls? If not, decide what you can do (“I don’t have enough time for thirty calls, but I can make ten”) or how much time you can devote (“I’m really no good with phone calls, but I can give you an hour on Tuesday to help wrap prize baskets”), and let that be enough.
Obligation – You’ve been looking forward to a quiet Thanksgiving with your immediate family and your best friend, but your in-laws call to invite you over to their home. You say yes because you don’t want to disappoint anyone, and you feel obligated to make your husband’s family happy.
BUT is there give and take? Are you able to have some holidays with your own family, or at home? As long as there’s a balance it’s ok to be accommodating, but if you feel like you’re always missing out on celebrations that would be most meaningful to you then it may be time for a conversation with your husband.
Guilt – This is the biggest reason moms say yes when they don’t want to. Whether to make up for a perceived shortcoming, keep someone happy, or fulfill some nebulous “should,” you say yes because you convince yourself that you have to put someone else’s needs ahead of your own.
BUT is it justified? Sometimes, sometimes not; if you haven’t sat down to play with your child in three days and she asks you to stop what you’re doing and read a story, this is probably a request to honor. If your child, with a sad face and whiny voice, tells you that “You never do anything fun with me!” only two days after your trip to the zoo and the park, you’re allowed to let the comment go unheeded… with NO guilt.
Motherhood is a balancing act, and often the people around you (especially the little ones) have needs that come before everything else, but these don’t erase your own needs. Your time, energy and resources are limited, and sometimes the best way to take care of yourself is to give yourself the gift of a well-timed “NO” so that you can say “YES” to something that matters more… even if that something else is simply a little nap or an afternoon off!
Your assignment: Look at the things you’re saying “yes” to right now – are they all worth your time and attention? Are there areas where you would benefit from saying “no” a bit more? Challenge yourself to find one activity, obligation or duty to which you can give yourself permission to say “no” this week, so you can free up a little time for things that are more important to you.
