Part of being a mom is living vicariously through your children in one way or another. Sometimes this is a great thing, sometimes not… it all depends on your motivation.
There’s nothing better than seeing the world through the eyes of your children. It gives you a chance to rediscover the wonder in everyday things, appreciate how beautiful a flower is, how interesting a bug can be, the splendor of Play Doh. Childhood is a magical time, and your children offer you the opportunity to relive this magic by sharing in their constant learning and discovery.
Sometimes it’s good to live a little more vicariously. When your daughter wants to act out her favorite story for the 27th time, or your son is eager to play “construction site” with you in the sandbox, the best thing you can do is find a way to share the excitement and put yourself in their shoes. This can make all the difference in how much you enjoy these kinds of activities.
The trouble in living vicariously starts when you want something “for your child” that’s really more about what you want for yourself. If you go to a children’s sporting event (soccer, anyone?) you’re likely to see two types of parents – those who simply enjoy watching their children play and those who react to every play as though the outcome is critically important. Granted, some people are just more competitive than others, but it isn’t hard to spot parents for whom their child’s victory is more about their own pride than the team’s accomplishment.
If your lifetime dream of becoming a ballerina was thwarted, it can be tempting to overly encourage your daughter to follow a path of dance, even if it’s not her favorite thing. Dads are well-known for pushing their sons toward sports, in acts of vicarious redemption for their own athletic shortcomings.
Most parents want to give a child the comforts and opportunities that they had, to foster whatever talents the child possesses, to create an environment rich with experiences and activities. This is a valiant goal, as long as it isn’t accompanied by the unspoken message: You WILL do what I didn’t (but wanted to) do, WILL accomplish what I wasn’t able to, WILL live the life I wanted to live.
If you aren’t sure where you fall along the spectrum, ask yourself what, specifically, feels important to you about your child’s activities and achievements, and why. Take the time to really think about this. How personally do you take his accomplishments (and setbacks)?
If you define your child’s success by his ability to accomplish what he wants for himself in a given situation, and avoid defining your own success by what your child does or doesn’t do, you’re on the right track.
Your assignment: Think about the circumstances in which you want particular outcomes, experiences and accomplishments for your children; are your desires healthy, based on what your child enjoys or excels at? If so, great. If, however, your motivations don’t feel entirely pure, look for opportunities to step back and let your child be more who she is rather than who you want her to be.
