This week’s title, had space allowed, would have been “Guilt as a weapon of mass instruction,” because moms do tend to use liberal amounts of guilt as a way to get things done.
Last week, addressing your own feelings of guilt, you distinguished between guilt that warranted action and unnecessary guilt. Because most people already carry around too much guilt, figuring out how not to spread any more of it is beneficial for everyone.
How often do you catch yourself saying something to your husband or kids that carries an undertone of guilt? You make the other person feel bad for not doing something that, according to you, should be done, or for doing something wrong.
There’s a better way! Focus more on the outcome you want, and direct your efforts toward achieving that result rather than on creating guilt. Here are some common scenarios that you might address using guilt, along with healthier options to try.
Situation: Your child hasn’t picked up his clothes, toys or blocks off the floor.
Guilt-inducing comment: “Your room is a pig sty! I’d feel awful if my room looked like that!”
Better options: Depending on the child’s age, tell him what needs to get done, offer to help, or clarify your rules (“Before you watch Sesame Street, your floor has to be picked up.”)
Remember: The real goal is to motivate your child and to get the room picked up, not to have him feel bad about the room being a mess.
Situation: Your husband is consistently working later than you’d like, and you feel like you need more help.
Guilt-inducing comment: “You’re always coming home late, and I have to do everything myself. Why can’t you make more of an effort to be here and help?”
Better option: Explain your situation and ask for exactly what you need (“I have trouble making dinner with the toddler hanging on me; is there a way you could be home by 5:30 so I could have dinner ready by 6?”)
Remember: Without a specific request for action, your husband may just think you’re complaining. By telling him what you need, you’re giving him a way to fix the problem, or to start looking at options. You can’t expect him to read your mind, and if you make him feel bad he may make less of an effort to be home rather than more.
Situation: Your child wants you to find the missing toy that’s in one of twenty possible places; you don’t want to deal with it.
Guilt-inducing response: You sigh, make a face and roll your eyes, making it clear that you’re feeling put-upon and highly inconvenienced, then grudgingly go search for the toy.
Better option: Be honest. Tell her that you’re too tired, or that you don’t have time right now, but that you’ll help her look for the toy after her nap (or whenever).
Remember: It’s ok to say no to a request, but it’s not ok to make your child feel bad about asking in the first place. You want her to feel comfortable coming to you with concerns, and you want to model the behavior you expect from her – which probably doesn’t include sighing and eye-rolling!
Guilt isn’t always a bad thing. If your child hits the dog, he should feel guilty, and this guilt may serve as a deterrent for the next time. But save the guilt for times like these, and try not to use it otherwise. Most of us resent the person who makes us feel guilty; don’t be that person!
Your assignment: Think about ways in which you may be using guilt to get the people around you to do what you want them to. Focus more on the desired outcome, share your feelings, ask for what you want and/or clarify what you don’t want.
