Guilt seems to be a staple in the lives of many moms – both their own guilt and the guilt they may place (intentionally or otherwise) on others. Even when it “works,” no one is better off. A job might get done, or an obligation met, but not for the right reasons.
This week, let’s take a closer look at what makes you feel guilty (we’ll look at the people around you next week). Many moms are subject to bouts of “Mommy Guilt,” usually stemming from one of two things. The first is the feeling that you’re never doing / being / accomplishing quite enough. It’s hard to overstate the amount of time that raising small children requires, and the details of tending to everyone’s needs can take a surprisingly large portion of your day. This may not leave time to get much else done, causing many moms to feel that they’ve somehow fallen short. To counter this, try to determine what accomplishments could meet your own definition of “enough,” and be realistic in how much you expect from yourself right now.
The other cause of Mommy Guilt is the never-ending list of “should” statements, as in “I should be able to keep the house clean,” “I should be spending more time playing with the kids,” or “I shouldn’t take time for myself because that would be selfish.”
The first thing to consider is whether, in either case, the guilt is at all justified. Sometimes your guilt isn’t entirely unwarranted – maybe you really do need to spend more time playing, for example. But more often than not, Mommy Guilt is uncalled for, an unnecessary and distracting burden moms place squarely on their own shoulders.
When you’re debating a particular “should,” ask yourself whose it is. If a “should” comes from someone whose opinion matters to you, and is based on genuine care (“You seem really tired. You should take a couple hours for yourself and have a little down time”), this isn’t a guilt-inspiring “should,” but rather a suggestion that’s probably worth considering. In contrast, if the “should” does make you feel guilty, and is really just someone’s attempt to tell you what to do, or sell you on her way of doing things (“You should be doing ___ to potty train / feed / discipline your children”), let it go in one ear and out the other.
When a “should” and guilt are of your own making, evaluate whether the situation warrants action. If you’re feeling guilty because you haven’t called your best friend in a month, you may want to pick up the phone. If you’re feeling guilty about the state of your home, perhaps the best action is to adjust your expectations or be satisfied if you get one or two specific cleaning tasks done.
There’s no point in hanging onto guilt; use it as a call to action or an opportunity to let go of unrealistic expectations (yours or others’). Left unchecked, guilt will make you feel bad without solving anything; you’re much better off without it.
Your assignment: Think about the causes of your own Mommy Guilt. Address the guilt by either taking action to alleviate it, or choosing not to take action and letting go of it altogether. Be aware of the “shoulds” in your life and where they come from, and reconsider what constitutes “enough” in your expectations of yourself.
