It’s the automatic (and annoying) response to the question, “How was your day?” “Fine.” Which is not a fine answer to a parent hoping for information or insights as to what actually happened during kindergarten, preschool, the playdate or whatever else.
How do you go about getting a reasonable answer that actually tells you something? There are several options you can try:
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Get specific – sometimes kids have a hard time figuring out what to tell you, and specific questions can make it easier. For example, “What was one thing you especially enjoyed doing with Jane?”, “What did Jack do to make you laugh at preschool today?”, or “Which kids did you sit with at snack time?” are more likely to start a conversation.
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Ask kids to walk you through their day (suggested by author Thomas Colson) – putting the day in chronological order makes it easier to recall, and gives a better chance of interesting moments being recalled.
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Do the best/worst scenario – each child (and adult too!) shares the best thing and worst thing about the day, then chooses the next person to do the same until everyone has gotten a turn.
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Focus on the positive – make it a habit to ask each child what their biggest success was, or what they were most proud of, from the day. Once children begin expecting this question, they’ll start paying more attention to accomplishments they want to remember to share with you later.
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Eat dinner together and set an example of sharing – start by having adults share whatever they deem interesting, then have kids follow suit. If you don’t regularly eat as a family, try to set aside at least a night or two a week when you can do this, or gather around the table for dessert and conversation.
There are a few things not to do as well:
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Don’t interrogate – particularly if a child is sharing a challenge or concern, such as an issue with a classmate, don’t make him feel like he’s on the stand. Let him say as much as he wants to, but don’t push him beyond that. Otherwise, next time he’s likely to say nothing at all.
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Don’t be too critical – if your daughter tells you about a friend who got in trouble, beware of giving a response along the lines of, “Wow, Annie is always doing something stupid! What an idiot!” This may either cause your child to want to protect Annie by not telling you things that will make you think badly of the friend, or not want to play with Annie because Annie doesn’t seem to meet with your approval. Your daughter may also worry that you’ll judge her equally harshly when she herself makes a mistake.
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Don’t multitask – your child is opening up to you; stop whatever else you’re doing and make him the sole focus of your attention. No one wants to talk to someone who’s only half-way listening.
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Watch the unsolicited opinions – even if positive, the message you’re sending is that everything your child tells you is being evaluated, and she’ll filter what she says based on your expected reactions. The more your child views you as an interested listener rather than a judge, the more likely she’ll be to openly share what’s going on in her life.
Look for times to begin conversations, ask open-ended questions, then sit back and listen attentively. This will create the possibility for answers that are a lot better than “fine”!
Your assignment: This week, try some new ways to get your children to share information about their time away from you. Ask new questions, try a different approach, and/or respond in a way that makes kids feel heard but not judged. If you pull this off, your conversations will go far beyond “fine”.
