“I know just what you should do!” says the mom sitting next to you at the park, observing the tantrum your toddler is throwing at the moment. Ok, maybe she has a good idea, but chances are you know your child and the situation better than anyone else. In an effort to “solve” everyone’s parenting dilemmas, misguided onlookers and fellow moms love to offer advice (or directives) which can sometimes make you second-guess your parenting and your choices… as though you need one more thing to be concerned about!
Especially when it comes to emotionally loaded areas like sleeping, eating, working outside the home and discipline, moms rack up a lot of unnecessary worry and guilt by forgetting that there are lots of possible ways to do things. Particularly if you’re a first-time mom, wanting so much to get everything “right” but not fully trusting yourself, it can be hard to separate worthy suggestions from completely unnecessary opinions.
How do you decide what to listen to and what to ignore? Here are some questions you can ask yourself about advice, solicited or otherwise:
- Did I ask for input? If so, then just imagine the words “Here’s what worked for me:” in front of every piece of feedback you get. Once you have lots of ideas, sort through them using the filters of your own knowledge, experience and intuition.
- Do I trust this person, or share her parenting philosophy? Unless a mom is one whose mothering style you like and agree with, her solutions may not be the right ones for you.
- Does this person know my child? The more familiar someone is with your particular set of circumstances, the better idea she may have about ideas that could work for you.
- Does the advice-giver have an agenda? Anyone whose mission it is to get all other moms onboard her personal bandwagon isn’t someone you need to listen to. This is where “one size fits all” absolutely doesn’t hold true.
- Does the issue really matter? Lots of challenges seem more critical than they really are, and chances are good that you know a lot more than you think. No one has the right to micromanage your parenting choices, and for smaller issues you probably don’t need much input.
Whatever information, advice or suggestions come your way, remember that there are lots of perfectly good (and diverse) ways to do things. As long as your choices are loving, thoughtful and based on your own knowledge of your child, you’re heading in the right direction… no matter what anyone tells you.
Your assignment: Think about areas of parenting where you tend to second-guess yourself. Where could you get the input you need to make decisions you feel good about, without worrying about advice that causes you to feel worse or further question your choices? Focus on the people you trust, and make it a point to let go of feedback from others.
