Ultimatums. No one likes them much, especially the person on the receiving end, but to some degree most moms use them. “If you don’t come to the table right now, you won’t be having dinner tonight!” “If you don’t share the toy by the time I count to three, you’re going to lose it for the rest of the week!” And, in some cases, your threats may even work… but only if you consistently follow through on what you say.
The problems start when you can’t or don’t want to actually carry out the threat. Once the words have been spoken, you’ve painted yourself into a corner; sooner or later your kids will call your bluff. One time, at my daughter’s gymnastics class, there was a mom who yelled ongoing ultimatums to her misbehaving son. “You stop that right now or you’re going to sit in the car!” “I mean it! You need to listen or I’m taking you out of the class!” “Pay attention or I’m coming in there and you’re done!” And on and on. There was no truth in these threats, and certainly her son knew it. She might just as well have hollered, “You don’t have to listen to me, because I’m just yelling and I won’t do anything, so keep right on misbehaving!”
Most moms know better than to let their ultimatums get to that extreme, but it’s important to look at why you use them at all. Obviously the main reason is to get results – but for how long? They may get your child to do something, in that moment, but if they are used too often, or used as idle threats, they’ll stop working at all. The best course of action is to avoid ultimatums as much as possible, but if you can’t do that then keep these tips in mind:
- If you want credibility with your children – and who doesn’t? – you have to mean what you say. If you aren’t willing to back up your words with action, you’re better off saying nothing. If you give your kids a five minute warning toward the end of a playdate, only to get into a half-hour conversation with another mom, the next time your kids will be less likely to listen when you ask them to get ready to go.
- Think about the specific message you really want to give your child when you’re about to issue an ultimatum. Take out the threat and simply state what you want. For example, a positive version of “If you don’t do X then ___” would simply be, “I need you to do X. Now.”
- Look at areas where you tend to give ultimatums, and be proactive. Set expectations ahead of time, establish a specific consequence when a certain misbehavior occurs, then matter-of-factly administer this consequence if your child misbehaves.
- Be consistent. Once your children know that you can be taken at your word, they’ll begin to respond accordingly. But rest assured that they will put you to the test a few times first.
- Don’t set yourself up for punishment. If your favorite fellow moms are at a particular play group, don’t leverage a threat with the consequence of not going to this gathering. Pick an outcome that doesn’t take something away from you. This makes follow-through easier as well.
Yet again, the adage Stop, Look and Listen comes to mind. When you feel the urge to burst forth with an impossible threat, stop and take a deep breath. Look at the situation, and listen to the voice of reason in your head. You may want, like the mom I overheard at the playground, to yell, “If you don’t get over here we’re never going to the park again! Ever!” but that probably won’t solve anything. Say what you mean and teach your children to trust your words, so they’ll learn to listen to you sooner… before the dreaded ultimatum rears its ugly head.
Your assignment: Think about the ultimatums you issue to your children. Are there areas where you often catch yourself making impossible threats? Be more aware of these in the next week, try to mean what you say as much as possible, and consistently follow through on consequences so your kids will learn to take you at your word.
