How are things with your leading man these days? It is the week before Valentine’s Day, after all, so it’s a good time to look at the relationship you share with your husband or significant other.
Having small children can be extremely hard on a marriage, because couples often find themselves without much time. Before kids, you could go out when you wanted, sleep when you wanted, and generally have a lot of time together; children can have a huge impact on all these areas.
None of this changes the importance of your relationship with your spouse, however, it just means that you may have to work harder to maintain it. Even if things are going well for you right now, there’s always room for improvement; here are some easy ways to create more of a connection with your man:
· Make “couple time” a priority. This sounds so easy, but is one of the hardest things to do, especially when kids seem to need round-the-clock attention. Whether once a week or once a month, recognize the importance of putting *everything*else aside and spending time alone. Getting out of the house is ideal, to eliminate all the household distractions, but if going out is too hard then set aside time at least weekly to sit down together as soon as the kids are in bed, turn off the tv and focus all your attention on each other.
· Don’t let cost be an issue. You don’t have to spend a lot to create special time together. Find a friend with similar-aged children who you can swap sitting with, or enlist a grandparent’s help, then find somewhere inexpensive to go. Or, alternatively, drop off the kids and go back home; enjoying a quiet dinner or a relaxing evening without any kids to interrupt you can be every bit as nice as a night on the town (and you don’t even have to dress up). What you do, or how expensive it is, is much less important then simply having “no kid” time together.
· Keep resentment at bay. A spouse is often the easiest person to take for granted, or to get annoyed by. Things that are wrong get your attention more easily than things that are fine. If something is really an issue for you, talk to your husband about it using “I” statements (“When ___ happens, I feel ___”); any sentence that starts with, “You always _____” will immediately make the other person defensive, getting you nowhere. When it comes to smaller issues, (“WHY can’t he put his clothes in the hamper?”) try to…
· Let the little stuff go, and focus on the positive. Last week’s article talked about the importance of appreciation, and nowhere is that more important than in a marriage. If your husband is doing something minor that irritates you, try to ignore it and shift your thoughts to something you appreciate about him – he’s a good dad, he helps with the dishes, he walks the dog, etc. Then SHARE whatever you appreciate with him; he’ll be glad to know.
· Communicate, communicate, communicate! When you have little ones, it can sometimes seem like child-related issues are all you ever talk about, especially if the kids are driving you crazy. Venting and regaling each other with war stories from the day does NOT count as communication! Focus on talking with rather than at your partner, and remember the tremendous importance of simply being quiet and listening attentively. No one wants to talk if they’re not being heard. Click here to read a great little article with lots of information about improving communication with your husband.
Making the time and effort to focus on your marriage isn’t always easy, but this is too important of an issue to set aside. Good luck, and Happy Valentine’s Day!
Your assignment: Think of one thing you could do this week to improve your relationship with your partner. Create some dedicated “couple time,” focus more on what you love about your spouse, or make better communication a priority.
