Aug 05

Finagling Finances

Categories:

Finances

These are tough times for a lot of families, and many things are completely out of your control: the economy, the cash for clunkers program, what time your child wakes up in the morning, the state budget, and dirty diapers.  Not much you can do about any of those.

 

However, when it comes to your personal financial situation, more may be within your control than you think.  The Bee recently shared one tip a day for 30 days from a finance blogger who challenged readers to save $1,000 in a month.  For his complete list of tips, click here.

 

$1,000 is a lot of money, and you’d have to be spending quite a bit in order to reduce spending by that much.  Still, even saving $100 or $200 a month would be a great step for many families, and since moms are often the ones to buy the groceries, clothing and household supplies, you’re probably in a good position to take a spending challenge of your own.

 

Here are some common spending pitfalls for moms, and some easy ways to save a little more:

 

Fast food – if you buy a kid’s meal for two children a couple times a week, that alone can cost almost $100 in a month.  Packing a lunch from home when you know you’ll be out, or stocking some snacks in the car to hold kids over for times errands run long can save you a fortune.

 

I-have-nothing-for-dinner syndrome – when you realize at 5:30 that there’s nothing in your fridge, and the easy answer is to order out for pizza or go to the store hungry and without a shopping list, you’ll probably spend more than you’d like.  Creating a weekly menu plan may not be especially fun, but by planning ahead and having ingredients on hand for several nights of dinners, you’ll avoid last minute impulse purchases and probably eat healthier too.

 

Hiring out lots of services – yes, it’s wonderful to have a housecleaner, gardener or pool service, but how much are these types of services costing you?  Could you reduce their frequency, or do even part of the job yourself?  Figure out the savings, and see if a trade-off is worth making.

 

Babysitters – if you’re spending a lot on sitters, talk to other moms you know and see if you can find (or organize) a babysitting co-op, where moms use a barter system and take turns caring for each other’s children.  Sitters, and especially drop-in centers, can get expensive very quickly; getting free sitting once or twice a month could easily save you $50 or more.

 

Forgetting the coupons – before you head to a restaurant or entertainment venue, take just a minute to look for coupons, either in mailers, the Entertainment Book (which offers 2-for-1 deals on most area museums and many attractions and restaurants), in the newspaper, or online.  Often you can find a discount, and even small savings can add up.

 

Using the charge card – unless you pay your balance in full each month, every credit card purchase can add 10-20% to the cost of whatever you’re buying, making good deals not so good.  If you’re carrying a balance, paying this down is one of the best investments you can make.

 

It’s not easy to change spending habits or behaviors, and it can seem tedious to plan menus or pack lunches, but even the smallest changes can reap big financial rewards, especially over a period of time.

 

Your assignment:  Pick at least one way to cut back on spending over the next week, and pay more attention to where your money goes.  How much can YOU save?

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Jul 29

Enough is enough!

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Parenting

As moms, it’s easy to fall into the “more is better” mindset.  There’s always more we can do for and with our children; more activities to try, more money to spend, more time to give.  The tricky part is figuring out the line where “more” becomes too much, and our actions lead to our kids feeling an ongoing sense of entitlement.  What do you want your children to expect from you?

 

As summer break rapidly draws to a close, many moms find themselves torn.  With children starting or returning to school in the coming weeks, you want to squeeze in as much fun and as many memories as humanly possible.  However, you also want your kids to appreciate the experiences they have, the places you take them, the things they are given, the time you devote to their activities.  You want it all to mean something to them.  Unfortunately, the more you give your children, in your efforts to enrich their lives in various ways, the easier it can be for them to take it all for granted.

 

When deciding what “enough” consists of for your kids, start by considering the areas below.  Each is something your children would probably like more of; how do you feel about what you’re giving to them?

 

Time (yours) – There’s never enough, and many children would be glad to have your time and attention around the clock.  It helps to decide on a daily amount of focused time that you want to spend with your children, and make this a priority.  Without a specific benchmark, you may never feel like you’re giving your kids enough time, and Mommy Guilt can easily set in.

 

Possessions – Toys, games and stuffed animals are the bane of many moms’ existence.  But what to do?  If you’re highly disciplined and organized, you could adhere to the one-toy-in, one-toy-out rule, or regularly rotate bins of toys between the house and garage.  If your child isn’t especially sentimental and is happy to part with outgrown toys, great; for the rest of us, resisting the urge to buy new things (while trying to covertly dispose of all the cheap plastic toys and party favors) can be a necessity to keep chaos at bay.

 

Experiences – You want your children to see new things, go to new places and explore; sometimes lots of activities are great, but it all depends on you.  If, for example, you really love going with your children to the zoo, the park, story time or day trips, you may feel like you all miss out when you don’t have a full schedule of outings.  However, if you go to these places more from a sense of obligation, maybe it’s time to scale back a little; your child won’t know what he’s missing, and there’s plenty to be learned at home if you’d rather get out less frequently.

 

Money – Whether in the form of purchases, entrance fees or plain hard cash, a lot of kids feel some entitlement around money.  What do you want to give your children outright, and what must be earned?  This ties into the ages of your children, your personal philosophy on money and whether you’ve yet introduced allowances.  Even 3- or 4-year-olds can understand some basics about money – that toys and activities have a cost, for instance, and that your family probably has some type of budget.

 

With all of this, the last piece of the equation should be gratitude.  Lack of gratitude is the best indicator that feelings of entitlement are setting in.  Anything you can do to help foster a sense of gratitude in your children is important, and will make life more pleasant for everyone.  Regularly share what you’re thankful for, encourage your kids to do the same, and explain in age-appropriate terms how fortunate you all are to have both the big and small things that are easily taken for granted.

 

If you’re doing, giving and sharing what you enjoy, and your children seem to appreciate most of it, you’re on the right track.  After all, as a mom you’re entitled to enjoy your children as much as you can, however that works best for you.

 

Your assignment:  Think about the time, possessions, experiences and money you share with your child.  If you’re satisfied with what you’re providing but feel like your child takes too much for granted or continually wants more, look at ways to address this, encourage gratitude, and try to head off entitlement.

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Jul 22

Don’t miss out!

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Parenting

As a mom, you want to capture as much of your kid’s childhood as possible – but if you aren’t careful, it can be easy to miss out on the experiences you most want to enjoy.

 

I was reminded of this last week.  My daughter and I were at a Girl Scout camp together, and she had a featured part in a skit that our unit put on for everyone.  So I did what many moms would do – I filmed her.  But here’s the thing; once the skit was done, I realized that by dividing my attention between the little screen on the back of my camera and the actual performance, I missed out on the experience of just enjoying my daughter’s moment in the spotlight.  And this didn’t feel like a good trade-off at all.

 

There are many common offenders which may hinder your enjoyment of your children or cause you to miss out on some good times; here are a few, and what you can do about them:

  • Being too busy.  Instead of putting so much emphasis on productivity, and having something to show for your time spent, recognize the importance of making memories with your child and set aside time every day to sit and play with her.
  • Not paying attention.  When playing mindless (to you) games, or reading picture books for the hundredth time, it’s easy to let your mind start wandering.  Even if you don’t care about the task at hand, make an effort to be present, focus on your child and watch his expressions, admire his smiles and laughs, and try to vicariously enjoy the experience.
  • Making all the choices.  When you can, let your child decide what you do, play or read, what park you visit or what you’ll make for lunch.  Letting her have a say in the process offers you an insight into her world, and will probably make you both happier in the process.
  • Being too practical.  Ok, so finger paints, glitter glue, mud, or anything involving small beads and sequins can make for a giant mess, but they can also be a lot of fun.  Put on old clothes, set up a craft area in the grass, and don’t worry about your kids – or you – getting dirty.
  • Wanting everything to be perfect.  Say you want to go to the park.  You can spend a lot of time getting everything “just so” – calling several friends to meet you, packing lunch and snacks, searching for the missing sand toys to bring – or you can just hop in the car and go, then leave when your child gets hungry or bored.  Sometimes all your extra time and effort just isn’t worth it.
  • Looking at life through the camera.  Yes, back to my own shortfall.  There are ways to avoid watching the camera more than your child; one easy option is to get a friend to help you.  You watch your child while your friend films, then you do the same for her.  A tripod can also free you up, especially if your child is doing something stationary.  Set up the camera, press “record,” then turn your attention to your child.  As author Eric Weiner sums up, it can be difficult to simultaneously record and experience life; we often have to pick one or the other.  Try bypassing the camera once in a while, and trust yourself to remember some of the special moments – easier to do if you’re completely focused, and not staring through a camera lens.

 

On our last night at camp, my daughter and I snuggled and watched the stars together until she fell asleep hugging my arm.  There are no pictures of this, nor do there need to be.  I will hold on to my special memory, thankful that this time I didn’t miss out.

 

Your assignment:  Think about ways you may be missing out on enjoying your children as much as you (and perhaps they too) would like.  Make time this week for some special time together, undertake a messy project, or try especially hard to give your kids your undivided attention during play time.  And leave the camera at home!

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Jul 15

Making the most of summer TIME

Categories:

Parenting, Quality Time, Self-care

Are you a big fan of summer, enjoying lazy days of relaxing, being less scheduled, getting some much needed “r&r”?  Or do you suffer from summer guilt, trying to enjoy yourself and your children but really wanting to be productive (which can be almost impossible with kids around all day)?

 

If you’re in the first group, give yourself a pat on the back, stop reading, and go sit by the pool with a good book and a big glass of lemonade while the kids splash around.  If you find yourself wishing you could just get a little more done (so you could THEN go sit by the pool and relax), read on.

 

If any of your kids are at least pre-school age then you understand the dilemma; you want to enjoy their company and make the most of your time together, but still manage to get a few things done.

 

How do you best balance productivity, kid time and me time?

  • Pare down your to-do list.  Try to separate the tasks that would be nice to get done from those which have to get done, and let some of the non-essentials go.
  • Look for blocks of time.  Even though moms often operate in 5-minute increments, you’ll get a lot more done if you can set aside a solid half-hour (or more) to plow through chores uninterrupted.
  • Beware of the time vaporizers – e-mail, TV and the phone.  If you need to find a little extra time in your day, see what impact these three culprits may be having.
  • Set aside some dedicated time each day to focus on your children, and perhaps share a special activity.  Some moms find it easier to give their full attention to their kids if they leave the house, regularly taking a morning walk to a nearby park, for example, or making a trip to the gym pool as part of their daily routine.
  • Make time just for yourself as well.  Personal time can be especially hard to come by in summer, but no less important than any other time.  Take a couple hours (or longer if you can swing it) at least weekly, for whatever renews you – getting together with friends, taking a quiet walk by yourself, or simply relaxing without anything to do at all.
  • Cut yourself some slack.  You’ll never get everything done, but this fact doesn’t stop a lot of moms from trying.  Instead, give yourself credit for whatever you do manage to get done in a day, and rest assured that your to-do list will still be waiting for you tomorrow… or whenever you get back to it.

 

Your assignment:  If you feel like you’re focusing too much on productivity and not enough on enjoying your children and yourself, look for ways to scale back your to-do list, make the most of the time you do have, and set aside time specifically for the kids and for yourself.

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Jul 08

Does your child like structure or spontaneity?

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Parenting

This is the last of a 4-part look at your child’s personality.

 

The final piece of personality looks at how your child organizes life.  A child either likes to make plans and have things decided (a “judger”) or to be more spontaneous and have options open (a “perceiver”).

 

The words are misleading.  The “judging” child isn’t judgmental, but likes things settled and known.  Likewise, the “perceiving” child isn’t necessarily perceptive, he just likes his plans to be flexible, and he enjoys gathering information more than making decisions.

 

Here are some clues to help you recognize your child’s type:

– Does your child tend to like order and structure (J) or flexibility and spontaneity (P)?

– Would you describe your child more as productive and responsible (J) or playful and impulsive (P)?

– When plans are made for an upcoming activity, does this make your child happy (J) or would she rather leave her options open as long as possible (P)?

– Would your child rather start a project (P) or finish one (J)?

– Does your child find rules to be comforting (J) or limiting and irritating (P)?

 

This characteristic can be difficult to assess in young children, who are naturally playful, curious and open to new things.  By preschool age, however, it may be easier for you to make a determination.

 

If your child is a Judger:

·         She likes being in a structured and organized environment, and wants to be part of the family’s general decision-making process.

·         Recognize, especially if you’re more of a P, that a J child feels uneasy when things are up in the air for too long.

·         He doesn’t especially like changes in plans, and may need more time than a P child to transition between activities (particularly if he’s also an Introvert).

·         She wants to be on time for things, and wants you to be on time as well.

 

If your child is a Perceiver:

·         She welcomes the chance to try something new, and is comfortable with the unexpected.  Too many set plans make her life boring.

·         Making a decision can be stressful.  If he says yes to one activity, he can no longer choose other options, so he may instead avoid a decision and let it be made for him by circumstances.

·         She may have trouble finishing tasks, especially ones which don’t especially interest her.  If you’re a J, you’re likely to butt heads with your child over the way she chooses to do chores; she’s likely to get distracted, and you may be happier staying out of the way and letting her do things her way.

·         He may need help recognizing the importance of deadlines and commitments.

·         As a parent, you’ll have to focus on choosing your battles and being consistent, to avoid continually correcting and reprimanding your child.

 

This series of articles is based on the four aspect of personality as defined by the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator.  For more information on personality and children, Paul and Barbara Tieger’s book Nurture by Nature is an excellent resource.  To take a free online test and learn more about your own type, click here.

 

Your assignment:  Look for clues this week as to your child’s tendency toward making plans (“Judging”) or being more spontaneous (“Perceiving”).  Once you’ve determined this, look at ways to best support and work with this trait – especially if your own tendency is different.

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Jul 01

Is your child ruled by logic or emotion?

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Parenting

This is the third of a 4-part look at your child’s personality.

 

The thinking vs. feeling component of your child’s personality determines how she makes decisions.  A Thinker (T) makes decisions based on logic, using objective facts and data to reach a conclusion.  A Feeler (F), on the other hand, makes decisions based on values and what feels right, looking at how a particular choice will impact others.

 

Here are some ways to tell whether your child is a Thinker or a Feeler:

– In a conversation, does your child tend to be tactful and concerned about the impact his words have on others (F) or is he more honest, straightforward and direct, even if what he’s saying might upset the other person (T)?

– Does your child get her feelings hurt easily, or seem overly sensitive (F)?

– Is your child objective and assertive (T) or more gentle and empathetic (F)?

– When playing games, does your child tend to be more competitive (T) or cooperative (F)?

 

If your child is a Thinker:

·         She wants to know the reasons for a rule, so that it makes sense to her.  “Because I said so” is an especially unsatisfying rationale to this child.

·         Try to help him develop more empathy, so he can better recognize his impact on others.  A T child may not understand why an F playmate or sibling gets angry when he says something that might be perceived by the F as critical.

·         Praise needs to be based on specific achievements for your child to accept it and take it seriously.  She wants to be valued and appreciated for genuine and legitimate (to her) reasons.

·         In spite of a tough exterior, this child still has emotions, but he may need help trying to process or express them.

 

If your child is a Feeler:

·         Recognize that it’s difficult for her to make a decision that will cause someone to be unhappy.

·         Because she wants so much to be liked, it will be especially important for you to address peer pressure and the need to think for herself.

·         Physical contact, while important for all children, is especially important for an F.  He needs a lot of hugs and touching.

·         Conflict is hard for him to handle.  Being around people who are arguing is extremely uncomfortable for him.

·         Be aware, especially if you’re a T, that your child is likely to take things personally much more often than seems reasonable.  You may think you’re making a general observation about your child, but she may take the comment personally and believe she’s being criticized.

 

Keep in mind that these traits are not choices; they are hard-wired into the child’s make-up.  An F child doesn’t choose to be sensitive, nor does a T child choose to be logical, but as a parent you may feel like your child just doesn’t “get it” if their characteristic is the opposite of yours.

 

Also, in times of conflict these traits especially polarize.  The F becomes more emotional, which makes the T really uncomfortable.  The T responds by becoming more cold and rigid, making the F more emotional, and a vicious cycle ensues.  If this dynamic arises with your child, try especially hard to meet your child where she is.  Acknowledge and accept her emotions, if she’s an F, or try to present yourself logically and with supporting facts if he’s a T.

 

Your assignment:  Try to figure out whether your child is a thinker or a feeler.  Look for ways to best support and work with this trait – especially if your own tendency is different.

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Jun 23

Does your child see the forest or the trees?

Categories:

Parenting

This is the second of a 4-part look at your child’s personality.

 

This week we’re looking at the second piece of your child’s personality – whether he’s more of a dreamer or a realist.  This aspect determines how your child takes in information, which ultimately causes him to see the world in one of two very different ways.

 

Your child is either a Sensor (S) or an Intuitive (N), but these words are a little misleading.  A Sensor is a child who lives in the here and now, and focuses on immediate sensory input.  An Intuitive is more of a big picture person – the one who sees the proverbial “forest” – who is more interested in how things could be rather than how things are.  

 

This can be one of the harder personality traits to determine, in others or yourself, but here are some clues to look for:

– Does your child pay attention to, and remember, specific facts and details from experiences (S)?  For example, if a child takes a walk and returns with vivid descriptions of everything she heard, smelled, saw and touched, she’s likely an S.  If she was more lost in her thoughts, and somewhat oblivious to her surroundings, she’s likely an N.

– Does your child get easily bored with too much repetition in activities or routines (N) or does he find repetition and regular routines to be a comfort (S)?

– An S child loves having collections, objects and possessions, while an N child loves the meaning of each object (who gave it to her, where she found it, and the associated memories).

– For an S child, rules are meant to be followed, by him and by everyone else.  Rules to an N child are more of a guideline or starting point, and he doesn’t mind changing them as needed.

 

If your child is a Sensor:

·         Give her lots of specifics about activities.  She’ll feel best if she knows exactly what to expect.  Tell her where you’re taking her, who you’ll be meeting, how long you’ll be there.

·         Provide lots of opportunities for tactile play.  Sand, water, finger paints and clay are all mediums this child will enjoy.

·         If he asks you what time it is, tell him an exact time.  An S doesn’t like knowing that it’s about 3:00; he wants to know that it’s 2:57.

·         Recognize (especially if you’re more of an N) that change is hard on an S.  An S likes things to stay the way they are, and is less interested in the future than in what’s happening right now.

·         It can be a challenge to teach an S new things; she’ll learn best if you can compare a new concept or experience to something with which she’s already familiar.

 

If your child is an Intuitive:

·         He’s always looking ahead; this can make him seem ungrateful for what he has, because he’s more focused on what’s next.

·         Give her lots of opportunities for imaginative play – dress-up clothes, puppets, open-ended tasks.  She likes to invent new games and enjoys variety in her play.

·         He needs you to share his enthusiasm about his ideas, even if they aren’t at all practical.  If you’re more of an S, this could be a challenge for you, but your child’s imagination and ideas will flourish if you can be supportive.

·         This imaginative streak can also lead to your child fabricating elaborate stories; she isn’t necessarily trying to lie to you when she shares her fantasy world, she may just be completely engrossed in her own story.

 

Your assignment:  Try to determine whether your child is more of a Sensor or an Intuitive.  Once you’ve figured this out, think about how you can best support and work with this trait – especially if your own tendency is different.

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Jun 17

Is your child a “people person”?

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Parenting

This is the first of a 4-part look at your child’s personality.

 

Personality is a complicated matter.  The better you understand your child’s, however, the better you’ll know how he sees the world, what’s most important to him, and how to respond to him.  There are four basic components to personality; the first is whether your child is an introvert or an extrovert.

 

When you think of introverts and extroverts, you probably think of whether or not someone is outgoing and at ease around lots of people.  This trait goes beyond being talkative or shy, however, and actually stems from where a person gets their energy.  An extroverted child not only enjoys being around other children, but will often get a second wind when at playdates, even if it’s almost naptime or bedtime.

 

Here are some ways to determine whether your child is an extrovert (E) or introvert (I):

When your child spends time around lots of people, does he come away energized (E) or drained and in need of down time (I)?

Does your child react immediately to new information (E) or need to let it sink in for a while before responding (I)?

Does your child enjoy long periods of playing alone (I)?

Does your child tend to think out loud (E)?

 

If your child is an extrovert:

·         Create as social an environment as possible.  It’s important for this child to have lots of friends, trips to the park and activity.

·         It may be difficult for this child to play by herself for an extended period.  If she doesn’t have siblings, she may want a lot of attention from you; she’s not trying to be needy and disruptive, she just likes company.

·         Recognize (especially if you’re more of an I) that E’s actually process information by talking about it.  To you this may sound like incessant chatter, but it’s part of your child’s thought process.

 

If your child is an introvert:

·         He may not be intentionally ignoring you, but so focused on his inside world that he stops paying attention to the people and activities right around him.

·         It’s especially important not to interrupt him.  I’s spend time formulating their thoughts, and need to express these thoughts in their entirety.  It’s harder for an I to get back on track than for an E, after an interruption.

·         Recognize his need for down time and solitary endeavors; if you’re an E, you may see your I child as anti-social, and try to address this “problem” by creating more social situations, but this is not what he needs, and will probably be frustrating for both of you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Remember that there are no “right” or “wrong” personality types, nor can you change anyone’s type.  We get in trouble as parents when we don’t recognize this, and try to make our children into who we’d like them to be rather than who they are.

 

Your assignment:  Look for clues this week as to your child’s tendency toward being an extrovert or introvert.  Once you’ve determined this, think about how you can best support and work with this trait – especially if your own tendency is different.

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Jun 08

Chores?! We don’t need no stinkin’ chores!!

Categories:

Chores/Routines, Parenting

Well, ok, we probably do – but getting the help we need may not be pleasant.  Few things create battle lines between youngsters and parents more quickly than this particular topic.

 

So let’s get on with the chore, I mean task, at hand.  Getting most children to do chores, at any age, is a challenge.  When kids are little, parents have to do everything – this works well for the child, who would prefer that this arrangement never end.  Around the age of 2 or 3, however, a child is old enough to start participating in household upkeep himself, and the sooner you involve a child in chores, the less resistance you’re likely to get.

 

Here are some things to ponder as you decide the who, what and when of chores:

 

What can your children realistically do?

For very young children, chores are more about “helping” you and being involved than about the chores themselves, but you can still find simple tasks for little ones to do.  Many 2-year-olds can manage a small broom and dustpan, for example, or help you take clothes from the dryer and match socks.  About.com has a good listing of age-appropriate chores.

 

What does everyone like to do?

If you have more than one child, try to divide up duties so everyone has a chance to do something they enjoy.  Brushing or feeding pets is usually a desirable job, or maybe you have a child who loves dusting.  If everyone gets at least one chore they like, you’ll hear less complaining.

 

How reasonable are your standards?

It can be easy to forget that “simple” (to us) tasks aren’t so easy when you’re little.  Try not to correct constantly, but rather to offer occasional guidance and go back later, if you must, to re-do it yourself.  If a child feels that her best attempt can’t make you happy, she’ll lose interest in helping at all.

 

How structured do you want to be?

Some parents monitor chores daily, some weekly, and some only when a particular task needs to be done.  Many children enjoy some kind of chart, either to remind them what needs to be done or to be decorated with a sticker or star when chores are completed.  There are many free downloadable charts online; click here for one site with several to choose from for varied ages and needs.

 

How much help do you really need?

If your children are in grade school (or above), and/or you’re working, help with chores may be a necessity.  Look for areas where you especially need some extra hands, and start delegating.

 

To pay or not to pay?

That is a big question.  You could argue that paying a child directly for chores takes away the intrinsic enjoyment and makes the tasks only about money, while others will tell you that paying a child reflects a good work ethic, teaching that one gets paid based on what one does.  A chore chart can be a happy medium, offering an occasional reward for several days of completed chores, or a daily allotment of M&M’s if you’d prefer.

 

Is your husband on board?

Teaching kids about chores will be tremendously easier if you and your partner are on the same page with expectations and enforcement.  This is one area where the kids need to see a united front, or everyone will end up unhappy.

 

Are you setting the right example?

If you want your kids to make their beds every day, be sure yours is made too.  They’ll see chores as more of a regular and expected part of life when they see you regularly modeling whatever tasks you’re asking of them.

 

Your assignment:  Look at your own chore situation.  If you could use a bit more help, or if it’s just time to give your kids a little more to do, consider how you could add a new task or two into their routine.

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