Let’s be honest here – we all have mothering moments that we’re thankful no one catches on tape. Nobody gets parenting right all the time, and most moms lose their temper every so often, say things they later wish they hadn’t, and get impatient.
What’s more important than our occasional mess-ups are the messages that our words and actions during these times send to our children.
A couple weeks ago, while walking down the sidewalk, I saw a small girl – probably two or three years old – step into the street. The lady with her started screaming at her (not yelling, screaming) about not listening, yanked the child with one arm, gave her what appeared to be as hard a spanking as she could manage with the other, and all but threw the girl into her car. “Freaking BRAT!” she yelled at the girl; “I can’t wait ‘til the nanny gets here!”
Yikes. Granted, safety issues need to be treated seriously, but all I could think about were the messages the girl was given from this ordeal – that she’s a bad listener, a brat, and, at least in that moment, unwanted. Hopefully this “care-giver” was someone other than her mother, and was having a particularly bad day, but this incident was disturbing nonetheless.
How do you go about sending the right messages to your children, especially when they’re driving you crazy?
· Try not to instantly react. Sometimes, as in the above case, an immediate reaction is necessary, but usually there’s time to take a deep breath and think about what you want to say. If you can respond calmly, rather than reacting in anger, you’re sending a more positive message and also giving yourself better odds of being heard. Once you start yelling, your words are often lost on a child; they just hear the anger.
· Direct the child’s attention to what you do want. When you redirect, you’re teaching your child and sending the message that she is capable of doing better. When you get angry, you’re rewarding her behavior with negative attention, and by doing so you may be encouraging exactly what you don’t want, while giving your child the message that she screwed up…again.
· For ongoing issues, be proactive. Talk about what you expect in a given situation before a problem starts and maybe you can avoid an unpleasant scene altogether.
· Clarify that the action, not the child, is the problem. This is easy to overlook in the heat of the moment, but consider the difference in telling a child, “Drawing on the wall is very bad!” vs. saying “You are very bad!” One message informs, the other demeans.
· Beware what you tell other moms… at least when your kids are in earshot. Moms are often eager to share war stories, but a child is likely to accept as fact whatever descriptions he overhears you telling another adult about him. If he hears, for example, “Alex never plays well in groups,” he may internalize this message and further reinforce your expectation.
Finally, after a less-than-stellar mom moment when you feel you overreacted to a situation, apologize to your child and let her know you hope to do better next time. This sends the message that no one is perfect, and models a behavior your child would do well to adopt.
Your assignment: Think about your children’s behaviors that frequently push your buttons, and look for ways to better address these. Be more proactive, look for opportunities to redirect, and focus more on what you do want rather than what you don’t. Make it a point to respond rather than react, and be aware of the messages you send your child when you’re angry.
