If you’re like many moms, you may have a deep dark secret… you have a favorite child. You might feel guilty about this and you probably don’t talk about it, but you certainly aren’t alone. Or perhaps you don’t have a favorite, but your children think you do. In either case, there are ways to make the situation better.
First off, recognize that loving your children and liking them (or their behavior) at a given moment can be very different things. Most parents have times when liking one child is easier than liking another – especially if you have teenagers or pre-teens. The way a child’s personality meshes (or doesn’t) with yours can greatly impact the ease of the relationship. But even if one child makes you crazy, it doesn’t mean you love her less – you may just like her less at this point in time, and you may have a hard time being around her or dealing with her attitude.
This doesn’t make you a bad mom. And very likely, if you look down deep, your love for all your children is equally strong, even if the form this love takes with each child looks very different. Children’s temperaments are unique enough that they often don’t need or want the same things from parents, which may mean that one child spends more time in your lap, another helps you more around the house, another reads more stories with you. Absolute equality among children is not only unrealistic, but often undesirable.
What do you do if you really do have a favorite? Nothing. Really. Children are quick to perceive favoritism, and often believe that a sibling somehow gets a better deal or is liked more, even when this isn’t the case. As much as possible, try to focus on what makes your less-favored children wonderful and special; no child should grow up feeling inadequate, and the mirror you hold for your children will greatly impact their feelings of self-worth and value both now and later. Some kids are harder to live with than others, or require more structure or discipline, but each child has his gifts as well; don’t overlook these. The less you compare your children to each other, either out loud or even in your head, the better; in any comparison, someone has to come up short. Comparing children often intensifies sibling rivalry, which you don’t want to foster.
Older children often feel that younger ones get preferential treatment. This is likely true to some extent, only because less is generally expected from younger kids. When elder siblings complain, remind them of what their lives were like at the younger child’s age, how different your expectations were of them then, and what perks they now have at their present ages. It may not be fair that the preschooler doesn’t have to walk the dog while the 3rd grader does, but the 3rd grader probably gets a later bedtime too. Again, “fair” and “equal” are not the same.
What if a child asks who your favorite is? Moms generally do one of two things – tell the child that they have no favorite, or tell each child (sworn to secrecy) that that child is the favorite. The second option obviously has the potential to backfire somewhere down the road, but it can give each child the sense of being extra-special until that point.
The most important thing is for all your children to feel loved, valued and appreciated for being who they are, so they grow to feel capable and worthy – and never second-best.
Your assignment: Reflect on your feelings and actions toward your children. Do you tend to favor one child over another? Do your kids think you do? What could you do to make the situation better? Try to set aside feelings of favoritism and do what you can to give each child the love and attention he needs. Be sure all your children know what you especially value about them, and celebrate the qualities that make each one unique.
