Oct 14

Dream a little (or not so little) dream

Categories:

Personal Growth

Do you have a dream?  Not a kid-related dream (though of course you’d love for your toddler to be potty trained and for all your children to get along perfectly), but rather a dream just for you?

 

It’s sometimes tough in the midst of motherhood to see beyond the present moment at all.  Days and even weeks can pass in a flurry of diapers, naps and playdates, and a mom’s busy schedule doesn’t leave you much time and energy to focus on dreams, but that doesn’t lessen their importance.

 

Having something to look forward to makes you a happier person and helps remind you of who you are on the inside, apart from all your other roles – mother, wife, friend and so forth.

 

If time, money and children were no obstacles, what would you love to have or do in your life?  Here are some questions to get you thinking about some possible dreams:

 

·         Where have you always wanted to travel (or return to)?

·         What would you enjoy learning (a language, computer programming, how to fuse glass)?

·         What career aspirations do you have for when your kids are older?

·         What physical challenge might you want to undertake (climb a mountain, run a marathon, learn to ballroom dance)?

 

When you consider these questions, what stands out for you?  Can you pinpoint one desire that calls to you more than the others?

 

When you come up with a new potential undertaking, beware of the voice of practicality in your head, which can cut your enthusiasm off at the pass.  You might tell yourself that your dream costs too much, say, or is too difficult, or just doesn’t make sense.  And while there may be some valid obstacles to overcome, what’s most likely to hold you back is simply an unjustified fear of change, of doing something different or reaching for an achievement that seems too far out of your grasp.  This is why action of some kind is so important; knowing that you’re taking even tiny steps in the direction of your dream is what brings it into the realm of the possible.

 

Think about what one thing you could do to begin moving toward your dream.  Suppose you’d love to run a marathon; you could talk to other moms that have done it, find out about how to train, or commit to waking up early one morning a week and jogging to begin getting in shape.  Any of these are good initial goals.  Or maybe you want to visit Paris.  You could read books to learn about the city, talk to a travel agent, or start setting aside a little cash; if you saved only $10 a week, in 3 or 4 years you’d have enough money to take your trip. 

 

The most important thing isn’t to know exactly how or when you’ll achieve your dream, but to have one at all.  To have something that you’re working toward in some tiny way, even very slowly, even far out on the horizon, can give you fulfillment and deep personal satisfaction.  In the midst of all the motherhood mayhem, it gives you something that’s all yours.

 

Your assignment:  Spend a little time thinking about your own dream, if you already have one, or ask yourself questions to figure out what it might be.  Once you have an idea, decide on one tiny step you can make in the direction of this dream.  You may be surprised to find that it isn’t so far out of reach.

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Oct 07

A penny saved…

Categories:

Finances

So, how’s your budget doing these days?  Fall can be an expensive time anyway, and the recession is making this year even harder than usual for a lot of families.

 

If you haven’t given much thought to the financial pitfalls awaiting you over the next couple of months, this is the perfect time to take stock.  When you contemplate spending you probably jump ahead to either Christmas or Hanukah, but even Halloween and Thanksgiving can take quite a toll on your pocketbook if you purchase costumes, candy and decorations, or buy food to make a feast for a large group.

 

A little planning ahead can make a big difference in the amount of debt you incur (or not) by January.  The first thing to do is decide as a family on a budget for each holiday, then look for ways to make your dollars stretch as far as possible.  Here are some simple ideas:

 

October 

  • Decide, very soon, what your children will be for Halloween.  Many thrift stores have a good assortment of costumes and/or props right now, and you can put together an outfit much more easily (and less expensively) than if you have to buy a costume for retail price the week of Halloween.
  • Try to purchase your candy all at once, and do the same with decorations.  If you buy candy over a period of time you can end up spending more than you wanted to, and having more than you need.  Buy treats close to Halloween, so they don’t mysteriously vanish before the big night arrives.

 

November

  • If you’re going to be hosting Thanksgiving, think about how much food you need to make and decide how much you want to spend on a ham or turkey.
  • Choose your menu early, so you can take advantage of the sales many stores have on Thanksgiving staples.
  • Get your kids involved in the decorating.  For dozens of inexpensive Thanksgiving crafts, check out Family Fun’s website.  If you have loved ones overseas, get holiday packages in the mail now – you can save a huge amount of money by avoiding last minute expedited shipping.

 

December

  • Decide how much you want to spend on each child, and how to divide funds between large and small gifts, the fun and the practical.
  • Think about your options for adults in your household.  Do you all want to exchange gifts, would you rather pare down and focus more on the children, or might you do a special activity together and forego all the adult presents?
  • Look at alternatives to standard gifts.  Maybe your best friend really needs help cleaning out her closet, or your mom could use a hand sorting through old photos.  Time spent helping someone can often be the perfect gift.
  • Remember the stockings.  It’s both unpleasant and costly to realize on Christmas Eve that you’ve completely forgotten about stocking stuffers.  Pick up inexpensive goodies whenever you come across them and you’ll be well prepared.
  • Set aside money for the many seasonal expenses other than gifts, such as new outfits, travel costs, and even holiday cards.  Buying and mailing large quantities of cards can become very costly.  Are there people you could send an e-card to or call instead of sending a traditional card? 

 

This time of year can bring so much joy when you have young children, and you don’t want financial concerns to intrude on this.  By making a budget and planning ahead, you can focus more of your attention on your kids and on making wonderful memories together.    

 

Your assignment:  Look at your finances from now until the end of the year, and decide how much you want to spend on each of the upcoming holidays for food, gifts, activities, and all the other expenses.  If money is tight, decide which expenditures are most important to you and how you can save enough for the things that matter most to your family.

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Sep 30

I feel pretty…?

Categories:

Parenting

“I want to look just like you when I grow up,” your daughter says to you.  What’s your immediate response?  Can you graciously accept the compliment, or do you have to stop yourself from negating her words, saying something to the affect of, “No, honey, you really don’t”?

 

If you’re like a lot of moms, even if your daughter is too young to have bought in to society’s standard of beauty, your own standard may be impossibly high, and may be teaching lessons you’d never want to impart.

 

This is a difficult topic, especially if you have a hard time accepting your own looks, but the epidemic of eating disorders among very young girls and the use of plastic surgery on teenagers points to the need to start early sending the right messages to children.  Here are some questions to consider:

 

  • What do you say out loud about your own appearance?  Are you generally critical or kind to yourself? 
  • Are there flaws you feel compelled to share with everyone?  Do you often talk about your weight, your hair, or body parts you’d like to change?
  • Is it hard for you to accept compliments or to acknowledge things about your looks that you’re happy about?

 

Recognize that your child is a sponge, and will absorb the attitudes and beliefs that you share, whether healthy or not, and generally apply these same concepts to herself.  If you allow her to see you feeling good about how you look, and accepting yourself as you are, you’re allowing her a much greater chance of adopting these same ideas.  It can feel uncomfortable acknowledging your own positive attributes (“Wow – my hair looks great today!”), but doing this can help your daughter to feel more comfortable seeing what’s right with her own looks.

 

If your daughter is old enough to understand these issues in greater depth, here are some ideas:

  • Talk to her about pictures in magazines, and explain the difference between reality and airbrushed perfection.  There’s a great little video entitled “Evolution” on the Dove website that shows how an ordinary girl is transformed into a completely fabricated billboard model. 
  • Have an honest discussion about appearance.  Focus on what you like about yourself, inside and out, and encourage your daughter to do the same.
  • Ask her what her friends think about beauty.  Depending on her age, you’re likely to hear some surprising answers.  By talking about these issues, you can help her process her feelings, and perhaps debunk some of her unrealistic beliefs or expectations.
  • Be sure that your comments to her about her looks and features are as positive as you can make them.  Even if you have a legitimate concern – perhaps your daughter is heavier than she should be, for instance – address the issue without making it a focal point.  You don’t want her to see herself as fundamentally flawed just because she has an area that needs to be addressed.

 

 These issues impact your sons as well; the messages you give about beauty and acceptable appearance can play a significant part in how they view women later in life.

 

The next time your daughter tells you she wants to look like you, look her right in the eye and tell her that that would be just wonderful.  And believe it.

 

Your assignment:  Consider how you feel about your own appearance, and your children’s, and what messages your words and actions convey about how you or they are “supposed to” look.  If necessary, focus on how you can create more positive messages, and talk to your daughters, especially, about realistic standard of beauty.

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Sep 23

I love you just the way you are

Categories:

Parenting

If you’ve listened to much music from the 70’s, you probably know the Billy Joel song that contains these lyrics.  The gist of it is that the person the singer loves doesn’t need to change or do anything different to earn his love; she’s perfect just as she is.

 

The ballad is meant to be a romantic song, but its message is relevant for moms as well – loving your children unconditionally means loving them just the way they are, and not wanting them to change to be the children you want them to be.

 

This is fairly easy when you’re dealing with a child you understand well, who shares your personality and values and does what you ask; the challenge is when you’re dealing with a child who doesn’t fit this description, who you don’t understand so well, and who you see as more difficult.  That’s when you might start thinking, “If only Bobby would do _____, everything would be so much better.”  But is the missing ingredient within Bobby’s ability to do something about, or does it simply reflect who the child is?  Correcting behavior is your responsibility; controlling your child isn’t.

 

There’s a fine line here, because your job is not only to love your children but also to raise each to be a responsible and productive adult; this task involves a great deal of molding and shaping.  The tricky part is fundamentally accepting each child for who he is, as this molding and shaping takes place.  It isn’t fair to expect your shy child to become an expert at socializing with strangers, for example, or to disregard her preferences because they don’t match yours.  When you have one child who is “easy” and one child who isn’t, you might assume the second child is deliberately “difficult,” and try to get him to be just like the easier child – but it won’t work, and it also gives him the message that he’s not as good as the other child, and perhaps that your love for him is more conditional.

 

It’s tough to have a child that doesn’t match your expectations in some way.  If you’ve always been a great musician, say, and your child has no musical ability whatsoever, it’s hard not to try and push the child in that direction anyway, because it’s what YOU want for her.  Unless an attribute that you perceive as a shortcoming is something that will negatively impact her life, however, you’re best to try and look the other way.  Is there a gift to be found in the “shortcoming”?  Is there another way you could look at it?  As much as you can, identify what’s right with the child, and what you’re proud of, and put your focus there. 

 

Your child will feel better about himself throughout his life when he’s given the message that he’s good enough exactly the way he is.  He needs to know that you’ll never give up on him, and that he’ll always have your love and support (even when it may be hard for you to give it).

 

Everyone, big and small, wants to feel capable and smart, valued and appreciated, and loved just the way they are.  If you see your children’s potential, consistently focus on the positive and let them know you truly believe in them, you’re helping them to do and be their best and giving them the highest possible odds of success.

 

Your assignment:  Is it sometimes difficult for you to accept your child as he is?  Do you find yourself wanting to change him in some fundamental way?  Take a step back and see how you can address issues and redirect behavior without expecting your child to be someone he isn’t.  Pay more attention to his positive traits, being less controlling and more accepting.

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Sep 16

What you (expect to) see is what you get

Categories:

Parenting

When you look at your child, what do you see?  A precious little person who is infinitely capable, a stubborn kid who does everything the hard way, an angelic brother or sister, a headstrong child who never listens…?

 

If you have infants or toddlers, it’s relatively easy to focus on how cute they are, how much they’re learning, and all the new things they can do.  But as kids get older, and begin to display traits or attitudes that you don’t care for, it can sometimes be easier to notice what’s wrong with a child than what’s right.  The behaviors you don’t like – the poor table manners, complaining, difficulty sharing – irritate you, so these are what stand out.

 

The trouble happens when these “problem areas” become a focus, and you start expecting your child to act in undesirable ways.  A mom might say something like, “It’s awful taking Johnny to the park; he’s always mean to the other kids and he never listens when it’s time to leave.”  If Johnny hears this, he may well accept it as a fact, and reinforce everything the mother has just said.  Even if he doesn’t hear the message directly, the mother’s tone of voice and behavior toward him will convey her expectations and likely set up her son to fail.  She expects Johnny to behave badly and not listen, which can easily become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

 

This is not to say that Johnny isn’t hard to deal with at the park or that the mother is to blame for her child’s poor behavior, simply to acknowledge that expectations – either negative or positive – can play a large roll in determining an outcome.

 

If the mom in the above example instead says to Johnny, “I know that today at the park you’re going to be kind to the other children, and that you’ll come when I tell you we have to leave,” and believes it, she’s a lot more likely to see this outcome.  Even if she doesn’t, she’s sending the message to Johnny that he can do better, and that she believes in him, which over time is likely to positively impact his choices.

 

Henry Ford has a quote you’ve undoubtedly heard: “Whether you think you can or think you can’t, you’re right.”  To a child, you as a mom are often the voice that gives one message or the other, and tells him what he is or isn’t able to do.  Children will try to live up to the expectations of their parents as best they can, whether those expectations are positive or negative, empowering or limiting.  To rephrase Ford’s words: whether you expect your children to succeed or expect them to fall short, you’re right.  Expect the best!

 

Your assignment:  Think about the expectations you have of your child, and notice areas where you tend to expect negative outcomes.  Look for opportunities to turn these around and set more positive expectations, even when the odds are against you.  Your child will benefit from your faith in her, and may surprise you by living up to your expectations.

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Sep 09

Don’t do that!

Categories:

Discipline, Parenting

Don’t pull the cat’s tail!  Don’t yell in the house!  Don’t throw your toys!  Do any of these commands sound familiar?  If you’re like a lot of moms, you may notice yourself giving a lot of orders over the course of a day, especially about what not to do. 

 

You see something you don’t like and you want it to stop, so you address it; this may not be the easiest way to get whatever it is that you do want, however.  Here’s why – you’re putting the focus on an undesirable behavior, so that’s exactly where you’re directing your child’s attention.  It may seem to you that “Don’t pull the cat’s tail!” is synonymous with “Touch the cat nicely!”, but your child may not make this connection.  If he can’t pull the cat’s tail, how about its ears?  Can he poke the cat?  When you clearly state what behavior you want, your child is a lot more likely to comply.

 

Here’s a simple series of instructions that I often give to moms in my workshops; try to play along:

Don’t sit down.

Don’t put your arms at your side.

Don’t look up.

…and so forth.  All these commands clearly beg the question:  What DO you want?  If I asked you to stand up, cross your arms, and look straight ahead, it would be much easier (and less frustrating) to accomplish.

 

“Don’t” commands are well-ingrained, and changing this speech pattern to one of describing a positive outcome can feel awkward at first.  A good starting point is to think about your most frequently used “don’t” phrases, and come up with better alternatives.  If you’ve planned ahead, you’re more likely to remember your new positive phrases.  When a “don’t” order slips out, just follow it up with the statement of what you do want, and this will still help your child to get the right picture.  If you can also model what you’re requesting, for instance by petting the cat yourself as you instruct your child to be gentle, it will make the lesson stick even more; teaching by example often gets your point across better than words.

 

If you’re hearing things from your child like, “Everything I do is wrong,” this is a good indication that there are a few too many “don’ts.”  But if this is the case in your home, DON’T worry… just remember to focus on what you DO want (including a happier child and the feeling of being less of a drill sergeant), and you’ll be on your way.

 

Your assignment:  Pay attention over the next few days to see how often you catch yourself giving “don’t” commands, and start turning these around so you more often tell your children what you DO want.  The better your kids understand exactly what you expect from them, the better they can comply.

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Sep 02

This, too, shall pass

Categories:

Parenting

How many times do your kids drive you absolutely crazy in a given day?  How many spills, muddy shoes, atomic diapers and barfing incidents do you have to clean up after, squabbles do you have to moderate, meals do you have to prepare, instructions do you have to repeat 47 times?  Do you sometimes feel like the overwhelm of daily life will never end?

 

I went to a play last weekend called “Hats!”, the story of a woman coming to terms with her milestone 50th birthday.  While she laments, older ladies (Red Hat Society members, hence the play’s name) recount their own life transitions, some humorous, some quite poignant.  Even though the play is fictional and the characters are in a different stage of life than I am, some of the stories really hit home – especially those about having children grow up and leave.

 

Leave?  My beautiful children won’t actually leave, will they?  This is one of those basic truths that we know but can’t really comprehend.  These precious little people with whom we spend hours upon hours of time, who fill our schedules with chores and activities, and who give us our most significant job will someday be gone from our homes.  And this will likely happen sooner that we want, expect, or will be ready for.

 

Wallowing in sentimentality won’t help matters, but a healthy appreciation for the limited amount of time we really have with our children is important.  How do you make the most of these irreplaceable years, especially when daily life gets either tedious or insanely busy?

  • Set aside time for the good stuff – no matter what.  The tasks you don’t get done are less important than the feeling that you’re connecting with your children in a meaningful way on a regular basis.  You’ll never look back and wish you’d done a better job vacuuming and dusting.
  • Make it a goal to hug your children (even older ones), tell them you love them, and laugh out loud with them every day.  Having regular positive interactions with your kids will make the annoying parts of mothering a little less so.
  • Remember to take care of yourself, so you don’t burn out.  If you’re running on empty you’re likely to be irritable and generally unhappy, and you won’t have as much to offer to anyone.
  • When you feel overwhelmed by all the mom duties, remind yourself that these really won’t last forever.  Look at the big picture and realize that the extra work is a small price to pay for all the extra love and joy your children bring you.

 

It’s all temporary, both the good and the bad, the moments you wish would never end and the times that never seem to.  This, too, SHALL pass – so do what you can to enjoy your children, create memories you’ll be happy to look back on, savor your good fortune to be a mom, and live in the moment as much as you can.

 

Your assignment:  If you feel overwhelmed by the grind of daily life, and the difficulties of parenting, put yourself down the road ten or 15 years and recognize how completely your children’s lives will change by then.  Find ways to focus on the parts of mothering you love most, and remember that the parts you don’t love will be gone sooner than you expect.

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Aug 26

Playing Favorites

Categories:

Parenting

If you’re like many moms, you may have a deep dark secret… you have a favorite child.  You might feel guilty about this and you probably don’t talk about it, but you certainly aren’t alone.  Or perhaps you don’t have a favorite, but your children think you do.  In either case, there are ways to make the situation better.

 

First off, recognize that loving your children and liking them (or their behavior) at a given moment can be very different things.  Most parents have times when liking one child is easier than liking another – especially if you have teenagers or pre-teens.  The way a child’s personality meshes (or doesn’t) with yours can greatly impact the ease of the relationship.  But even if one child makes you crazy, it doesn’t mean you love her less – you may just like her less at this point in time, and you may have a hard time being around her or dealing with her attitude.

 

This doesn’t make you a bad mom.  And very likely, if you look down deep, your love for all your children is equally strong, even if the form this love takes with each child looks very different.  Children’s temperaments are unique enough that they often don’t need or want the same things from parents, which may mean that one child spends more time in your lap, another helps you more around the house, another reads more stories with you.  Absolute equality among children is not only unrealistic, but often undesirable.

 

What do you do if you really do have a favorite?  Nothing.  Really.  Children are quick to perceive favoritism, and often believe that a sibling somehow gets a better deal or is liked more, even when this isn’t the case.  As much as possible, try to focus on what makes your less-favored children wonderful and special; no child should grow up feeling inadequate, and the mirror you hold for your children will greatly impact their feelings of self-worth and value both now and later.  Some kids are harder to live with than others, or require more structure or discipline, but each child has his gifts as well; don’t overlook these.  The less you compare your children to each other, either out loud or even in your head, the better; in any comparison, someone has to come up short.  Comparing children often intensifies sibling rivalry, which you don’t want to foster.

 

Older children often feel that younger ones get preferential treatment.  This is likely true to some extent, only because less is generally expected from younger kids.  When elder siblings complain, remind them of what their lives were like at the younger child’s age, how different your expectations were of them then, and what perks they now have at their present ages.  It may not be fair that the preschooler doesn’t have to walk the dog while the 3rd grader does, but the 3rd grader probably gets a later bedtime too.  Again, “fair” and “equal” are not the same.

 

What if a child asks who your favorite is?  Moms generally do one of two things – tell the child that they have no favorite, or tell each child (sworn to secrecy) that that child is the favorite.  The second option obviously has the potential to backfire somewhere down the road, but it can give each child the sense of being extra-special until that point.

 

 

The most important thing is for all your children to feel loved, valued and appreciated for being who they are, so they grow to feel capable and worthy – and never second-best.

 

Your assignment:  Reflect on your feelings and actions toward your children.  Do you tend to favor one child over another?  Do your kids think you do?  What could you do to make the situation better?  Try to set aside feelings of favoritism and do what you can to give each child the love and attention he needs.  Be sure all your children know what you especially value about them, and celebrate the qualities that make each one unique.

 

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Aug 19

Family Time

Categories:

Family Time, Parenting, Quality Time

Think over the last week in your household.  How much time have you spent as a family?  Are you satisfied with this?  Is your husband?  Your kids?

 

Spending time together as a family is important, but can be tricky.  Here are a few challenges that may come up around family time:

 

Scheduling – For some families, if a time isn’t written on the calendar in ink, it doesn’t happen.  Set aside blocks of time regularly, and schedule them in advance if you need to.

 

Individual preferences – Many stay-at-home moms want nothing more than some down time after being with children all day, and additional “family time” may feel unnecessary.  For a working parent who hasn’t seen the kids since breakfast, however, time together with everyone may be a high priority.  In this case, the working parent could schedule his own time to be with the children, while the mom gets a break and some time all to herself.  It may be hard to get older children interested in family time at all, but planning activities away from home may help.

 

Family dynamics – If your children have trouble getting along, or if there’s a significant age gap between kids, family time may not work so well.  Your best option may then be to split the kids between parents for separate time; you’re likely to come back together feeling better connected, and having had more fun separately than you would have had together.

 

Deciding what to do – Maybe your favorite thing is playing a game together, while your partner would rather take a family bike ride and the kids want to walk to the park.  Trade off who picks the activity, and encourage everyone to be a good sport when their personal preference isn’t chosen.

 

Keeping it interesting – If you’ve gotten into a rut, look for ways to branch out.  Explore the resources on this website, pick up a local family magazine (with a monthly calendar) or drive until you stumble on a new park.  The novelty will make family time more special for all of you.

 

Unrealistic expectations – The ideal concept of “family time” is sometimes better than the reality.  It’s great to create opportunities for togetherness, connection, fun and meaningful interaction, but the outcome may be different than what you’d hoped for.  Give yourself a pat on the back for creating the time at all, not for the quality of each experience.

 

You never know where your fondest memories as a parent will come from, but creating more family time is a good way to allow special moments to happen.

 

Your assignment:  Take a look at how you’re spending your family time and whether you have enough of it, and think about what changes you might want to make.  Set aside time to try something new as a family or just to enjoy each other’s company, and see what happens.

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Aug 12

Living Vicariously

Categories:

Parenting

Part of being a mom is living vicariously through your children in one way or another.  Sometimes this is a great thing, sometimes not… it all depends on your motivation.

 

There’s nothing better than seeing the world through the eyes of your children.  It gives you a chance to rediscover the wonder in everyday things, appreciate how beautiful a flower is, how interesting a bug can be, the splendor of Play Doh.  Childhood is a magical time, and your children offer you the opportunity to relive this magic by sharing in their constant learning and discovery.

 

Sometimes it’s good to live a little more vicariously.  When your daughter wants to act out her favorite story for the 27th time, or your son is eager to play “construction site” with you in the sandbox, the best thing you can do is find a way to share the excitement and put yourself in their shoes.  This can make all the difference in how much you enjoy these kinds of activities.

 

The trouble in living vicariously starts when you want something “for your child” that’s really more about what you want for yourself.  If you go to a children’s sporting event (soccer, anyone?) you’re likely to see two types of parents – those who simply enjoy watching their children play and those who react to every play as though the outcome is critically important.  Granted, some people are just more competitive than others, but it isn’t hard to spot parents for whom their child’s victory is more about their own pride than the team’s accomplishment.

 

If your lifetime dream of becoming a ballerina was thwarted, it can be tempting to overly encourage your daughter to follow a path of dance, even if it’s not her favorite thing.  Dads are well-known for pushing their sons toward sports, in acts of vicarious redemption for their own athletic shortcomings.

 

Most parents want to give a child the comforts and opportunities that they had, to foster whatever talents the child possesses, to create an environment rich with experiences and activities.  This is a valiant goal, as long as it isn’t accompanied by the unspoken message:  You WILL do what I didn’t (but wanted to) do, WILL accomplish what I wasn’t able to, WILL live the life I wanted to live.

 

If you aren’t sure where you fall along the spectrum, ask yourself what, specifically, feels important to you about your child’s activities and achievements, and why.  Take the time to really think about this.  How personally do you take his accomplishments (and setbacks)?

 

If you define your child’s success by his ability to accomplish what he wants for himself in a given situation, and avoid defining your own success by what your child does or doesn’t do, you’re on the right track.

 

Your assignment:  Think about the circumstances in which you want particular outcomes, experiences and accomplishments for your children; are your desires healthy, based on what your child enjoys or excels at?  If so, great.  If, however, your motivations don’t feel entirely pure, look for opportunities to step back and let your child be more who she is rather than who you want her to be.

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